ABSolute Madness
By Outrage Magazine’s very own Muscle Mary

So you haven’t been to the gym for a few days (NOTE: just a few days, not never been to the gym, as this won’t melt all those fats), and you want your abs (just the abs – let’s do this one at a time) to look taut enough for that date tonight.  You can still head to the gym for reps – albeit few – but that will take some time off your primping and priming (considering you still have to get dressed for the gym, travel to get there, ogle and be ogled at, and then head home afterwards) for someone who may be “it” for you (oh ever hopeful, of course).

AB FAB. Of course you can get the body you want; you just have to work on it.

So opt instead for the ABSolute quick solution.

CRUNCHES

They make you look “crunchy,” thus the name. 

Try not to start small – you’re embarrassing yourself now, and even more so when you just tire yourself and see you’re still not firm enough when you take your clothes off for him later (hopefully).

MINI-CRUNCHES

Janet Jackson was said to do hundreds of this before going onstage.

Lie down on a padded mat (if you have none, your floor, notwithstanding the discomfort, may be fine for now).  With your back flat, lift your legs off the floor (shins parallel to the ground), while keeping your arms bent, with your fingers LIGHTLY touching your temples.  Crunch inwards and work the center abdominals.

Start small, if you have to – say 15 reps times five sets, though Janet didn’t get her better-than-Vina Morales’ abs that way.

BEGGING

Straight hot jock (isn’t that redundant?) Marc Nelson gave the somewhat lame name, but his obliques do the talking for him, so heed.
Lie down on a mat, making sure the back is flat on the floor, with the legs bent and the feet flat on the floor at a comfy distance from the butt.  Rest the right hand (or the left, whichever you want to do first) on the tummy while keeping the left hand (or the right) on your side, palm touching the side of the left (or right) leg.

Then lift the upper back off the floor, crossing the left (or right) arm past the right (of left) knee.  Twist the left (or right) arm upwards so the palm faces the ceiling (this is supposed to be where the “begging” name came from, how original!), making sure to focus on the twisting to work the obliques.  Then lie down.

Start with 15 reps, multiplied by, what, can you do at least 10 sets?  Then do to the other side.

CROSS CRUNCHES

Following the BEGGING’s starting position, cross the right ankle in front of the left knee.  Then rest the right hand on the stomach, while the left hand again lightly touches the left temple.

Then lift the left shoulder and chest upwards, making sure to twist towards the right knee (and making even surer that the knee isn’t pulled inwards, else you might as well be exercising the knee, not the tummy).  As this works the upper abdominals, as well as the sides, start (yet again) with 15 reps, though start aiming for higher that number soon.

SIDE BRIDGES

Still not widely popular, this is, nonetheless, recognized in electromyography (EMG) studies to be the best exercise to strengthen the obliques, as well as stabilize the spine (you may need that for the rodeo ride later in the evening – either as the cowboy, or as the bull).
Lie on your side, supporting your body between your forearm and knees to your feet.  Hold this position for two to four seconds.  Try doing repeatedly, or until you are able to hold the position to 60 seconds straight.  Then do the other side of the body.

Of course, the exercises will do well when combined with other factors, e.g. don’t over-eat (pigging out isn’t sexy, anyway), don’t overdrink booze (or even water, else, as Muscle Marys know, you’ll bloat), try to have sex (or cardios, for that matter, to help the muscle tones come out), and try to breathe in without always breathing out (actors pretending to be models, e.g. in Ben Chan’s BENCH shows, know how to do this perfectly well).

Know, though, that with these, at least you have just been inducted into believing that, yes, what is said to separate men from the boys, no matter the gender identification, are the abs, so you better work them out.

P.S.