Boy, (Un)Interrupted
Transpinoy Rising!
By Sass Rogando Sasot
PUBLISHED: OCTOBER 2009

“…out of that contradiction, against unfathomable odds,
it's you - only you - that emerged, to distill so specific a form
 from all that chaos. It's like turning air into gold.
 A miracle.”
 Mr. Manhattan to Laurie Juspeczyk
From the movie Watchmen

On November 23, 1978 another human being was born in Makati City, Philippines.  A quick glance at the baby’s genitals prompted the doctor to declare the baby female. Consequently, the baby was registered “female” on “her” birth certificate, was given a feminine name, and was raised and socialized to be a girl by “her” parents and the rest of society. However, there’s something this human being intimately knows that’s unknown to the doctor, “her” parents, and the rest of society. Something unknown even to the genitals this human being was born with.  It’s something that the heart, brain, and consciousness feel and understand. It’s a feeling that doesn’t have the ephemeral quality of a physical sensation or of an emotion. It’s an innate understanding - it cannot be learned or unlearned.  And this feeling and understanding are like a living truth that cannot be destroyed even by the most deadening stubborn dogma. “I am not female but male,” the grown-up baby who preferred to be called James Roque affirmed, “And I will definitely NOT survive living in the wrong body and being called the wrong pronouns for the rest of my life.”

James and I were introduced on Facebook by someone from Denmark; we were supposed to meet in Copenhagen during the 2009 World Outgames in July.  But James’s urgent business trip to Tokyo made that meeting impossible. I then emailed him whether he would be willing to be featured here on Outrage Magazine. “When you asked me about your request, I had to think twice,” James replied, “Then I thought it’s OK ‘cause the magazine is focused on the LGBT community…and I think it will be a good start to connect with other Filipino transmen.”

We then arranged for an interview over Skype. James just requested that we use an alias to refer to him in this article because he lives as stealth. “My new friends don’t know my past,” James explained, “Parang ang hirap mag-explain sa tao eh. Takot ako sa judgmental people. (It’s hard to explain to other people. I’m afraid of judgmental people).” But though he lives as stealth, he wouldn’t go as far as denying his past. “If someone asks [that I’m a transman], I will not deny it. Ok naman ako dun, pag comfortable na ako sa tao (I’m OK with it, so long as I’m already comfortable with the person). I can even come out to the public - that’s not a problem. I’m only worried about my family.”

Then I asked James whether he feels “transpinoy” would be a good local term for Filipino transsexual men.

He said, “Yes, I think it’s perfect.”

GROWING UP YEARS:
THE BOY, INTERRUPTED

“Don’t think that being a transsexual man was just a quick decision I made yesterday,” James asserted. “It is who I am, not just a label or anything. It is not something I just decided to be, and it is definitely not a trend.”  Indeed being male is not something James had decided to be – he simply knew it all along.

Since he was six James has never been comfortable being called and treated as a girl. During that time, gender and sexuality had no meaning to him. “All I knew is that everyone was calling me a girl, and I didn't like it at all, never, “James said. “Despite my outward appearance and how everyone told me I should act, I knew I was a boy and no one could tell me any different.”  

Unlike his younger sister, James was not simply drawn to anything that portrays him as a girl: “I started as boyish, I always wear boy’s clothes, and I play boy’s toys, do anything, everything for boys. I was very different from my sister… Whenever my family would go out, my sister would wear her pretty dress and I'll always wear my pants and a shirt, even on formal events. My parents would always force me to wear girls’ dress for church, but I never do, and I don’t care, I'll always cry and insist on my comfortable pants.”

When they lived in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, in late 80’s, James remembered joining his father in his motocross trail practice in the desert. “I always ride with my dad, I couldn’t get a motorbike at that time,” James recalled, “I used my BMX bicycle to do all the stunts. I also remember playing with the four-wheeled ATV Quad motorbike.”

He studied high school in a coed born-again Christian school in the Philippines. It was there where this man, who considered himself a “torpe (shy)” guy, first met his first girlfriend. He was in junior year in high school while she was in her freshman year.   They met through a common friend.

“I courted her by sending her letters and cards,” James recalled. And as to their first kiss, James had nothing to say but, “It was amazing, I can’t put it into words…but it was the best feeling.” They were together for eight years until James called it quits because of his girlfriend’s affairs with other men (a cisgendered man; the other is a transman).  After that, James had several relationships, all with women who identified as heterosexual and who related to him as a man. “They never see me as a woman, even as a lesbian. They see me as a man,” James said.

During those times, James reluctantly accepted the label lesbian, “because at that point I did not know about transexualism or other terms.  At a very young age of 8 or so, my mother knew I don’t want to be called lesbian; she knows I get mad each time. Then I thought I was a butch lesbian.” Nonetheless, in 1997, James joined two lesbian groups in the Philippines, Dykes of Manila Society and the Society of United Lesbians; and he identified himself as a butch lesbian with them. 

 “I thought being a butch was the last choice and the one that best described me, but I was wrong,” he said, “But I really hate it if someone calls me a lesbian or a tomboy. I really feel there’s something wrong calling myself as a lesbian because lesbians are female and I am not female.”

Being himself didn’t go over too well with his family because of religion – his parents were one of their church leaders. Hence, James strived hard to become independent. After he finished high school, James lived in a university dormitory where he felt free to live. He even became a working student while studying in the university. However, this didn’t come without challenges.

“I was once discriminated when I tried to transfer in another university in the Philippines,” James said. “The dean called for interview. When I came into her office, she looked at me from head to toe. She was so irritated and started shouting – I really don’t remember everything that she said. She didn’t accept me in her college. She said the university wants quality student and so on. Unfortunately for me, we don’t have any anti-discrimination law yet.” 

LIVING IN JAPAN

In 1999, James finished his Bachelor in Science Degree in Computer Science at the De La Salle University-Dasmariñas.  His first full-time job was as an IT Assistant in Lebanon. Feeling the wrench of homesickness, he resigned after six months and returned to the Philippines.

But soon after, he relocated to Tokyo to work as a Systems Engineer in an automotive industry company. He met friends from gender societies who organized events for foreign LGBT community in Tokyo. There he began to find the words to fully articulate what he was going through. “I began to be more aware about gender and sexuality,” James said, “And I learned more information about the LGBT community. Here I learned about transsexualism and I found that the identity transman best described me.”

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