So You Have a Brown Thumb?
By E.O. Azucena

When Jerome A. Decided to put “something alive in (my) house,” it was mainly to “enliven my place,” he says.  This he finds necessary because, even “if my place is tastefully decorated in Earth tones, everything is as dead as the center of Australia,” he says, “with everything in nothing but shades of brown.  Green may just add life to the color scheme.”

HANDS OF DEATH? Just because no plant can seem to survive your touch doesn't mean you can't have something living.

So far he had “those Bird of Paradise, Japanese bamboos, palm trees, et cetera.  But they all died on me, eventually.”  The realization that he may have a “killer touch” to plants came when, “even after caring for it the best way I can,” the cactus he bought died, too, “I think from over watering – it sort of bloated, and then just sagged itself to death,” he says.  “It’s a cactus, for goodness’ sake!  They thrive in deserts, where no one looks after them – and I try to look after one, and it goes dying on me.”

So now he has three well-made plastic plants in the house, all looking “real enough to fool visitors,” except that “I know they’re not real, and while it doesn’t bother others, bothers me all the same because of their artificiality.  I really want to have something alive to enliven the place.”

Fortunately, in Gardening for the Brown Thumb, Greg Archer (planetout.com) says that while. Generally, people are not naturally green thumbed, “all that can – and will – change if you do one small thing: Embrace the wannabe gardener within.  The bottom line is that gardening can be painless and easy. Martha Stewart you're not (thank goodness), but that barren wasteland that is your garden today can easily become a garden of breedin' tomorrow. Rake in our gardening basics and see what sprouts.”

The basics start with choosing the most important thing in gardening: SOIL.  “The type of soil or fertilizer you have in your garden, and how you treat it, is key to actually making it a garden,” says Archer, who recommends removing any large debris (rocks, branches, sticks, et cetera), and checking the pH level of the soil (the pH scale measures from 1 to 14, and 7 is considered neutral, so should always be hit; below 7, the soil is acidic; above 7, it's alkaline).  If for the gardener wannabe this is too technical, soils in bags usually offer suggestions on what plants will best grow in them.

Second must-have is light – if not the sun, then at least an alternative source of lighting.  Plants grow towards the sun (or any source of light, for that matter), so the lack of that does not only stops photosynthesis, but makes the plants grow towards wherever there’s light – and the pale bending is not always a pretty sight to behold, when everyone knows those plants should be standing straight.

Get the proper tools, e.g. water sprinkler, what with putting plants under running faucet can “drown” plants, especially if the water is retained by the container, or, even if there’s an outlet, easily drains the nutrients of the soil in a pot.  Get the basics, e.g. pruning shears, shovels, rakes, garden hose, hat, gloves, et cetera.  “Feel free to roam the gardening tools section of your local gardening centers, and ask that attractive store clerk to assist you in choosing everything from rakes to hoes,” Archer says.

Then stick to safe plants, usually dictated by seasons.  There’s cactus, of course, for summer – ditto the bougainvilleas, palmeras, et cetera; and poinsettias for Christmas – ditto fortune plants, lilies (in indoor ponds), et cetera.  When in doubt, return to that attractive store clerk...  if these plants manage to survive the brown thumb, re-plant over time to allow for growth.  Plants are living things, too, if that is usually taken for granted.  Choose one “attractive container that is at least two inches larger than the present pot.”

Remember to fertilize, too.  The nutrients of the soil eventually disappears – especially true for potted plants, so adding these nutrients is important for the plants to contue growing (if not surviving).  Simply, don’t overdo fertilizing – no, Jack’s beanstalk won’t grow in that pot just because the plants were over-fertilized; but they could actually die from having too much of the good thing (even humans have alcohol poisoning, no matter the elation delivered by alcohol consumption).

And lastly, follow instructions.  When told to water only once a year, obey.  That instruction wasn’t given if it’s not to be followed.
Archer’s parting thoughts?  “Just add water.”

As for this author: “Just buy new plants to replace those that didn’t survive you.”