Out and About
On Coming Out
By Frolic Tan Lopez

In the latter part of 2007, about a year after he went steady with his same-sex partner (Jeremiah A.), Toto H. decided to come out to his wife of about 15 years so he can “be with the person I really wanted to be with,” who happens to be his same-sex partner.  But Jeremiah A., while “admittedly flattered,” wouldn’t have any of it.  “If and/or when you come out or not, don’t do (either) for me,” he says to Toto H., “else end up blaming me if your decision proved (ill-advised).”

This – Jeremiah A.’s sentiment – may be meritorious, but more than anything, it brings to light coming out in itself.  Does one even need to come out, at all?  If so, when is the most opportune time to do so?  And how should it be done sans the ill-effects stereotypically associated with it?

IT’S OUT

Once used to refer to the introduction to the society of a debutante, the term coming out now refers to the “public announcement of one's sexual orientation and gender identity,” according to Wikipedia.org, which credits the idea of coming out to German homosexual rights activist Karl Ulrichs, who, in 1869, urged homosexuals to come out since the “invisibility (of homosexuals by staying in the closet is) a major obstacle toward changing public opinion.”

The term especially applied – particularly early on – to GLBTQIs who, even if they prefer same-sex activities or relationships, have had heterosexual activities or relationships, some long-term, as in the case of Toto H., who even has two children with his wife.  The “apparently heterosexual behavior by people who would otherwise consider themselves gay or lesbian has often been regarded as part of being ‘in the closet’ to create an illusion for acceptance by heterosexual surroundings; though others who are ‘in the closet’ (may have had) no heterosexual contact and simply want to protect themselves from discrimination or rejection by not revealing their sexual orientation or attractions,” Wikipedia.org adds.

IT’S A PROCESS

As is shown in the case of Toto H., coming out is a process – it took him this long to want to tell his wife, even if he has been practising same-sex sexual relationships for at least a quarter of their life together, “mainly because I had to deal with other issues first before I could even contemplate coming out to her,” he says.  Related to this, even if he is out in his social circle and almost-out to his immediate family, Toto H. is “completely not out to my employees (running a technology firm, he has approximately 10 people working for him).  It’s complicated – you’re out to this group of people, want to come out to this other group, hide from yet another group, and couldn’t care less if some other group knew about you or not.  It’s like (hide and seek), but this ‘game’ doesn’t end.”

This is why, according to gay support online community wsmsh.org.uk, someone coming out has to ask himself first why he is coming out.  “This is the most important question to ask yourself, (and) if you answer something like: ‘Because I'm proud of who I am,’ or ‘It is impossible to become a fully happy human being if my sexuality remains suppressed,’ or ‘I want to meet other gay people,’ then these are good reasons.  (But) think very carefully if your reasoning is to hurt or shock people, (since) often, the person who gets hurt will be you.”

The group adds: “It's your life so take your time – do things for you and only when you are ready.”

In 1979, clinical psychologist Vivienne Cass, modelled a six-stage development process of homosexual identity, which “start out with little awareness and/or acceptance of a homosexual identity, and then progress to a final stage in which one’s homosexual identity is integrated into the entire individual.” 

Specifically, the steps involve: 1) identity confusion, wherein one recognizes he may be gay, but is intolerant of it; 2) identity comparison, where the identity is accepted but the behaviour is not; 3) identity tolerance, wherein attempt to reach out to other members of the community happens; 4) identity acceptance, wherein one more than tolerates his self-identity but accepts it; 5) identity pride, wherein the world is viewed as gay vs. not gay; and 6) identity synthesis, wherein gender identity remains important, but is no longer the primary factor in deciding relationships with others.

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