Out and About
On Coming Out
By Frolic Tan Lopez

SIMPLE OUTING?

Instead of criticising Cass’s model, as many did (e.g. for its irrelevance in various contexts, including outside Western civilizations, and in more modern times), the wsmsh.org.uk instead simplifies the coming out process into two subsequent happenings.

Initially, one has to “come out to oneself, meaning to acknowledge to oneself that one is gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender,” or plainly, non-heterosexual in an exclusive way.  As the “very first step in the coming-out process,” this often involves soul-searching, so that “there is no hard and fast rule when this (is done) – for some it happens in their teens, for others it may happen much later in life.”  This also works even if/when one is outed (revealed as a closeted person against one’s wish, which can be libellous/slanderous), since, basically, it ends that period of ambiguity, and thus begins the process of self-acceptance,” the group says.

Following self-acceptance is “going public in some way – the ‘coming out of the closet.’” 

“Who you tell next is really up to you,” says wsmsh.org.uk, which stresses the need to be “careful when coming out.”  “Remember, once you have told someone about your sexuality, it can become known to others within a short period.  This is human nature and there is very little you can do to prevent this.  If you are resolved to deal with any negativity that this disclosure may bring, you have to be sufficiently prepared for it.”

The process can actually be done in many ways, e.g. “There is no rule that says you have to sit down and talk to others about this, (as) there are other ways,” wsmsh.org.uk states.  “You might like to write to them first and give them time to react in their own way.  This is probably a better approach if, for example, you live a long way from your family or friends.  Remember that you have probably taken a long time to get used to the idea yourself and others might need the same amount of time.  Writing a letter allows you to take your time and to compose your thoughts carefully and clearly.  It can also give the person you are writing to space to react and consider the news before discussing it with you.  This could be a useful approach if you are expecting a very hostile or negative reaction.”

Nonetheless, “if you decide to talk face to face, remember not to rush it or to do it when one of you is in a hurry or distracted.  It probably won't help to memorise a script either - you can guarantee that some people do not respond in a predictable manner.  If you are worried about their reaction, tell them of your fears and that you don't want to hurt them but need to be honest with them.  Remember to listen to what they have to say - it should be along the lines of a chat, not a speech.”

Unfortunately, in the Philippines, there are no organized groups that can help coming out to others – particularly to family members – easier, in the absence of such groups as FFLAG (Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) in the US, which produces booklets specially written for parents, among others.  Still, other support groups (See GAYrectory) may be able to help, even if only in providing support whatever the consequences of the coming out process may be.

This is important because, while “the thrill of revealing something long kept hidden can give a tremendous sense of relief,” this is the time when the person coming out has to answer such baseless questions as: "How can you be sure?", "I went through a phase like this at your age", "You'll grow out of it", "You haven't tried hard enough with the opposite sex," and "How can you know at your age?"   And “this can be a difficult time if your happiness is dependent to some degree on your family's (or other people’s) reaction,” the group further states.

GUSHING FORTH

Toto H. understandably worries that his coming out may empower his wife to take their children away from him, and “that’s something hard for me to even just imagine – not being with my children,” he says.  But he acknowledges, all the same, how “(my wife) has, I guess, the right to feel whatever it is she would feel.  We’ve spent the last 15-plus years as husband and wife, after all!”

Expounds wsmsh.org.uk: “If it hasn't gone too well, don't lose heart.  Time is a great healer and things will get better. If you are experiencing rejection from some close friends, ask yourself if they were really so close that they couldn't support you through this.  If your family is reacting badly, this is in all probability, normal.  They may be experiencing a whole range of emotions including shock, grief, guilt, blame, disappointment, and lots of pain.  Remember how long it took for you to come to terms with being gay.”

For those coming out when still young, “many parents will feel a loss in some way, perhaps of future grandchildren or weddings and other family gatherings.  This can blur their happiness and their love for you.  (But) if they go quiet on you, give them time to react and the opportunity to think about what you have told them. If they ask lots of questions, it's a good sign.  It may help to think of it as though it is in your interests to respond to them – they are likely to be the same ones that you have asked yourself many times along the way.”

In the end, however, “it's probably better to persevere and keep going, after all, you have come this far and in many ways it would be difficult or impossible to go back now,” wsmsh.org.uk says.

And this is what Toto H. is planning to do, closely following after Jeremiah A.’s being out to his, among others, employers (“At least I don’t have to pretend to be something else when at work,” he says), his doctor (“In case the ‘contexts’ of my being gay affect treatment considerations”), and family (“Simplifies attendance to those reunions”).  “Things seem easier when it (coming out) is done once and for all,” Toto H. says, even when Jeremiah A. insists that coming out isn’t for everyone.  “Yes, it may make life easier, but, hey, not everyone wants that; and that choice is just as important.  Make one that you can live with.”

In that one, at least, the smitten same-sex couple finally agrees.