Power to the Dildo

Dear Doctor Dear
By Doctor Dear (Obviously)

My BF wants to loosen me up, and he wants for me to start using dildos to make sure I will be loose enough for him when it came to him penetrating me.  Months on, I still feel uncomfortable with a dildo, though; as it seems so… impersonal.
Help me find the right one for me, please.

JEROME C.
Makati City

My GF asked if she can fuck me – with a strap-on dildo.  I’m scared and don’t know what to say.  Help, please.

MARY JANE C.
Province of Cavite

A friend wants to borrow my dildo – to help him loosen himself up, were his exact words, since he wants to be able to bottom any top he sees, their sizes be damned.  I am apprehensive lending – they’re my dildos, after all! – but worried he’d see me as greedy since I have a relatively large collection.
What to do?

PHILIP A.
Cebu City

Dildos, states comeasyouare.com – and I concur – “are wonderfully empowering sex toys precisely because they don't do anything you don't want them to do. When you're playing with a dildo, it's all you.”  Understandably, since “the dildo adds something both to the physical and psychological experience, there's no one ‘right’ way to use a dildo.”

Here are some pointers that may be of help.

Don’t forget the basics.

1. Know your dildo – e.g. material used (some are allergic to rubber, so grab one that’s not made of rubber), size (not all poles will fit all holes), and shape (while some may be vagina-okay, not all are anus-okay).
2. Clean your dildo – think washing.
3. Use a condom – this will help cleaning easier, among others; and will keep your dildo safe (meaning using somebody else’s dildos is okay, as long as the dildos are, definitely, clean, thus safe).
4. Lubricate – dildos don’t lubricate themselves, so do so to make them slippery (thus, obviously, comfy).
5. Read instructions – instructions are there for a reason (!).

Having stated the basics, start using dildos on your own – if only to begin with.  “This gives you the chance to explore and experiment with your new dildo without any distractions (pleasant though they may be). Using a dildo on your own is also important as it's the only way you'll be able to tell a partner how you want them to use it on you,” comeasyouare.com states.

Even early on, don’t rough it up – meaning, “you should get yourself turned on first, masturbating however you regularly do. Once you're feeling aroused start by using the dildo externally. Rub it against your body, pressing it into your skin, rolling it over your sensitive parts. When you first insert the dildo go slow. See what it feels like to have just the tip of the dildo inside you. Even if you know you like deep penetration, take time to explore variation in what you can do with your dildo.”

Then and only then should the different depths be attempted/tried, so that experimentations can/should then be attempted; ditto giving your PC muscle a workout.

The secret, it must be said, is in the use of your mind when you use dildos.  “Using a dildo can be a boon to sexual fantasy. It's like having someone else in the room who is exactly the size and shape you want, and who moves precisely the way you want them to every time. If you don't engage in a lot of sexual fantasy, close your eyes, breathe deep, play with your dildo and let your mind wander. You can replay some old favourite sex experiences in your head, or imagine new ones,” comeasyouare.com states.

Now comfy with your dildo?

Then introducing it to your partner may be the next step – for comeasyouare.com, “there are many ways to use a dildo with a partner. They can use it on you, you can use it on them, or one of you can use it on yourself while the other watches or does other things. What's most important is that all partners commit to talking it through the first couple of times. Ask what works and what doesn't. Is there any trepidation? It can be good to use it on yourself while your partner watches at least once, so they can see what you like and how you do it.”

Some variations that may work for you include: double penetration (with this, note that “double penetration is an activity that requires a lot of patience, lubricant, and protection if you're going to do it safely.”  Try to use smaller dildos or butt plugs when starting – take note, it’s DOUBLE); and, for heterosexual/bisexual dildo users, men (homo- or heterosexually identifying) may anally use dildos, too, when their comfort zone’s established.

By the way, dildos are for internal stimulation – meaning, just because you’re stimulating the inside, you already have to forget what’s outside, i.e. clitoris and/or penis. Meaning, too, while stimulating the insides, do the same on the outside.
Yet another variant is the use of a dildo for strap-on sex.

According to http://lesbianlife.about.com, some tips on this include:

1. Getting used to your new toy before jumping right into bed with your partner.  Note that the tighter it is, the more control you will have and the more sensation you will feel.
2. Remember foreplay. Get her excited and turned on before you penetrate.
3. Slippery and wet is much more enjoyable – so use lube, lots of lube (with condom).
4. “Go slow and easy the first time. Angle your dildo upwards, not back toward her spine. Let your partner guide you in how fast, slow, deep, rough or easy you go,” http://lesbianlife.about.com states.
5. Diversify – i.e. try different positions, e.g.  missionary position allows for face to face intimacy, and doggy-style allows for further penetration.

What must not be taken for granted as far as sex is concerned – with or without dildo use – is the communication.  This is, after all, still the one way to be sure that, yes, you are getting everything right for the both of you. So talk. And enjoy.