Scripting for Fishing

Insignificantly Insidious Insights With age comes wisdom... and laugh lines. Screw it.
By Roy Macalma

“Thank you for calling ****.  Are you calling for pricing, purchasing, technical issues or something else?”

That’s the standard script for the phone operators at work when taking calls. Then they direct callers to any wretched department where these irate customers could rant all they want and spread their venom at unsuspecting people talking to them from the other side of the Pacific Ocean.  At least some department who wronged the customer got its due and got a taste of that person’s tongue-lashing.

I have been pondering mindlessly while on break, thinking of nonsensical, silly things that give my brain a break from working overtime, when it suddenly dawned on me – what if we use this same script for guys, in order to screen them and know what they really want from us?

I know it’s crazy but hey, all of us have been victims of guys who either have the wrong intentions or are just painfully wrong for us (is there really a difference?). Hmm, if this succeeds by any minute chance, this could very well erase the esteem-lowering concept of the book He’s Not Just Not Into You, as well as other self-help crap that you buy from Book Sale after being rejected by some average guy who thinks he is the next big thing in gay utopia.

Well without further ado, Kiddo introduces the Guy Screening Scripting, appropriate for all occasions. Here are some situations that could arise from using this scripting.

Daytime Party
Kiddo is sauntering down the walkway, wearing hot gladiator sandals, shutter shades, and holding his signature favorite Long Island, when a guy comes up and tries to hit on him.
Guy: Hi, I’m Mark (BELIEVE ME THERE ARE AT LEAST A MILLION MARKS IN MALATE ALONE IN A SINGLE NIGHT), do you want company?
 Kiddo: (SMILES LIKE A STEPFORD WIFE) Hi.  I’m Kiddo.  Are you looking for love, friendship, lust, or something else?
Guy:  Uhmm… Lust.
Kiddo: (DOES NOT FIND GUY HOT OR IS NOT IN THE MOOD AND NEEDS TO ESCAPE) Sorry, I think I have diarrhoea and I have to go.  Go to that guy near the pool. He’s horny all the time.

Club
Kiddo sways mildly to the sound of David Morales, when a guy tries to hit on him and dances in front of him.  The guy whispers to him something.
Guy: Hi, I’m Ice (ANOTHER PSEUDONYM FOR COUNTLESS GUYS, WHOSE REAL NAMES HAVE “H” AFTER THE FIRST LETTER).
Kiddo: Hi.  I’m Kiddo.  Do you want to love, friendship, lust, or something else?
Guy: What?
Kiddo: Hi.  I’m Kiddo.  Do you want love, friendship, lust, or something else?
Guy: That’s a long name.
Kiddo: (SMELLS STUPIDITY) I think I cut my foot and the blood is flooding my shoe (TRIES TO LIMP AWAY).

Mall
Kiddo had another compulsive shopping expedition in his favorite shop, when a guy walks at pace with him.
Guy: Hi. I’m Kurt (ANOTHER BADLY OVERUSED ALIAS I SWEAR I’M GONNA PUKE WHEN I MEET ANOTHER GUY WHO USES IT).
Kiddo: Hi.  I’m Kiddo.  Do you want love, friendship, lust, or something else?
Guy:  Friendship (THINKING THAT IT’S THE BEST WAY TO KNOW SOMEONE HE’LL LOVE; AAAWWWW!).
Kiddo: Hmm...  Since we’re friends, can I have some face powder, please?  I just ran out of it, and there’s a bit of a shine on my forehead.

Meeting a single friend of a friend:
Friend: Oh, hey, John.  I want you to meet my friend, Kiddo. Kiddo, meet John.
John: Hi, Kiddo.
Kiddo:  Hi.  I’m Kiddo.  Do you want love, friendship lust, or something else? (THEN DOES HIS DISARMING STEPFORD WIFE SMILE).
Kiddo’s Friend AND John exchange puzzled looks.

Anonymous call/text
Kiddo: Hi.  I’m Kiddo.  Are you looking for love, friendship, lust, or something else?
Person on the phone: Sir, your credit card bill is already overdue. Please pay or we’ll deactivate your card.
Kiddo: Ip! (HIGH-PITCHED)

Bus
A cute guy sits beside Kiddo. After sometime Kiddo falls asleep and the guy talk to him.
Guy: Hey.
Kiddo: Hey (REALIZES THAT THE GUY IS CUTE).  I’m Kiddo.  Are you looking for love, friendship, lust, or something else?
Guy: You dumped frappe on my lap coz you fell asleep.
Kiddo:  Ip! (HIGH-PITCHED)

Jeepney
Cute guy pokes an indifferent Kiddo.
Kiddo: (SEEING THAT THE GUY IS CUTE) Hi, I’m Kiddo.  Are you looking for love, friendship, lust, or something else?
Guy: Kindly hand over my fare, please.
Kiddo:  (EMBARASSED LAUGH) Hehehehe.  Manong, here’s his fare po.

Gym
A buffed guy comes to Kiddo.
Guy: Excuse me.
Kiddo: Hey, I’m Kiddo.  Are you looking for love, friendship, lust, or something else?
Guy: Uhmmm, are you done with those weights?
Kiddo: Ohh, hihihi (GIGGLES IN EMBARASSMENT, THEN HANDS OVER THE WEIGHTS).  Nice muscles.

A dark alley.
After partying hard, Kiddo of course has to come home ultimately. A man comes up to him.
Kiddo: (Thinking it’s an opportunity to get a date) Hi I’m Kiddo are you looking for love, friendship, lust or something else?
Man: Something else, your money (shows a knife).
Kiddo: Me and my big mouth. Here (Hands over his things).  Takecaregodbless (in one breathless word).

Okay, okay maybe the scripting did not work. I guess we really have to go through the same arduous process all the time to get to know a guy and know his real intentions. This community could be compared to an ocean that gives a different catch each day. Like fishermen, we don’t get the same fish every day. Sometimes it’s tuna, swordfish, or marlin (the good guys); sometimes it’s squid and shellfish (the freaky but tasty guys) and galunggong (the average guys we have every day but never admit eating), or sometimes we are just content to feast on dried fish (when we get too lazy to fish and call the guys we have already slept with for 2nd helpings).

So good luck to us all.

Writing as Kiddo, Roy Macalma shares his take on the incessant search for the right one. He may be reached at kiddolovesit@yahoo.com.