Fucking Friends
The Fuck Buddy System
By Kiki Tan

For Vogels, the good thing about FBs is “there is continuity – it's a type of relationship. You become comfortable with each other, you get to know each other and you make each other feel good physically.  It's a sweet deal.”

Closely related to FBs are the friends with benefits – real friends who can talk about anything and everything, but neither have romantic interest with the other.  “They are able to have sex with each other without it being awkward because they either have a good foundation for their relationship, and/or communicate really well with each other,” Mr. Ethical Slut says.

Beyond this, the relationship is already that of boyfriends – though Mr. Ethical Slut stresses that “by no means are these descriptions definitive.”

WHEN IT WORKS

The FB system works if what is wanted by both parties is “no-strings sex, without the need for the nerve-wracking chatting up that usually leads up to an ONs,” Vogels says.  “If you want to get laid regularly, but don't want to commit to a heavy relationship, then it has a certain appeal.  It's a very personal decision about whether or not it's right for you.

It can be a real thrill to have a passionate fling with someone you wouldn't normally hang out with in everyday life for long periods of time.  Sometimes a couple have incredible sexual chemistry, but beyond that they have little in common. The added sense of 'naughtiness' allows some people to cut loose and play out their fantasies.”

According to J.J. Lambo, there need to be rules, so “you have to agree on terms, e.g. is it exclusive between you two, getting tested for non-protective sexual activities, inclusion of other sexual partners, condom use (with you or with another sexual partner), et cetera.  You have to be clear about expectations in this kind of system, so there are no misunderstandings,” he says.

WHEN THE FB FUCKS UP

Having stated that, J.J. Lambo says that “it’s when expectations are not met that FBs fuck up.”  Meaning, when “one wants more than the agreement,” then it’s “time to get out of the arrangement.”  Examples of these include “falling in love with the other, or acting like you’re more than an FB, or wanting a more complex arrangement, et cetera.”

It’s the arrangement that makes the system work – so much so that other arrangements have already surfaced, e.g. cuddle buddy (just for cuddling), and flirt buddy (just for flirting), all dependent on some kind of arrangement that the relationship is limited to just these.

Stresses Vogels: “Whether it's a fuck buddy, a cuddle buddy or a flirt buddy, these arrangements are like a delicate ecosystem – start mucking with the arrangement and you're usually asking for trouble.”

TEST DRIVE

Vogels believes that “it is often impossible to turn this situation into a regular relationship, if that's what you eventually decide that you want, but it does work out sometimes.  What usually happens, though, is that the intensity of the sex eventually burns itself out – and you both find that you've got nothing to talk about. But at least nobody will have a broken heart if you stick to the ground rules.”

Why bother?  “Well, while it might be nice to wait patiently for the real thing, or to be attracted to one person for the rest of your life, it's not usually that cut and dried. There's a lot of stuff in between the full deal and being single.  And sometimes you just need a little something to get you through the night,” Vogels says.