Gay Date 101
By Kiki Tan

A friend, M.M. Salazar, 25, who happens to be a serial dater, is in a fix.  “I’d find someone I like who would date me – not once, or twice, but up to three times.  And then when, after the third date, I’d sleep with them, no sooner than them leaving my bed (or I leave theirs), the interest wanes, if not completely disappears.  They don’t only ask for some ‘breathing space,’ as many of them did; most just ignore me completely, as if I didn’t exist at all,” he says.  “I am at a loss here: what is wrong with me?”

“Maybe you’re not a good fuck?” I said, sadly noting to myself how bad in bed he could be since he is still single, and this is his one reason for being one.

“Hindi naman,” he said, stressing that, no, this may not be the only reason he gets dumped after the third date, especially since “I did have one-time dates, you know.  They, too, just stopped (contacting me) altogether.”

Giving him the benefit of the doubt (that he may not be THAT bad in bed – taking his word for this, that is), the flaw, I got to thinking, may be in his presentation of himself when he goes out on a date or dates.  “Those who left after the first date were honest – their impression of you sucked from the start; and those who dated you until they nailed you, only dated you to nail you, putting up with the impression of those who dumped you after the first date because they thought you’re worth the wait to fuck,” I told him.

He gave a look that could kill, had I not been apathetic.

“Don’t give me that look,” I said.  “You were the one who admitted you get dumped all the time.”

He sighed.  Deeply.  Then: “What do I do?”

What to do, indeed.

Well, start looking for love (not just sex) the right way.  And that’s by presenting a persona that will be loved (or at least is loveable) at the very first meeting (usually a date).

Rundown of HOW-TOs when gay dating:

Dress well.  Actually, let me paraphrase that: Dress properly.  This means that if you’re pa-mhinta dating another pa-mhinta, forget the guy-liner (you are not Fatboy Slim!).  Ditto if you are getting dated because you’re a transgen – leave the sneakers at home.  Irrespective of gender identity and expression, the basics apply to all: CLEAN CLOTHES, CUT THE NAILS, BRUSH THE TEETH, SHINE THE SHOES (if leather), et cetera.  Just as we look for these in others, they do too in us.

Assuming the date has already been set (post pick-up), don’t start the date on the wrong footing – i.e. if you are running late, call (or SMS even, just as long as you inform the date).  This is called a product of good upbringing.  This doesn’t mean you have to arrive early, though – we don’t want you appearing over-eager.  Just arrive on time (or, say, five minutes before the agreed time, so you can freshen up before he arrives).

A big BUT: if he is running late and told you when you’re already sitting there, ask for the expected time he’d be there.  If he will be delayed for over 30 more minutes, he’s probably still screwing/getting screwed by somebody, so leave.  Don’t wait for anybody late for more than 20 minutes – it’s pathetic.

When the date arrives, compliment.  You agreed to go on a date because you found something attractive, tell him so, e.g. Nice basket!  (Kidding!)  Fascinating eye color you have!  (Something more in this line.)

Be sure not to overdo this, however, as he’d think you’re someone obsessed with him – remember, the one being obsessed about can live without the one obsessing about him; the opposite isn’t true, so we don’t want you appearing obsessed.

NOTE: If you don’t find anything worth complimenting in him, excuse yourself to go to the toilet, and slip away through the toilet window.
Pay attention to body language.  If you think a walk along Manila Bay may be a good way for you to pry into his life (and get him in some dark areas for quick gropes), he may not think the same (hey, his hernia may be painful!).  Pay close attention to things like this.

Focus on your date, too.  Don’t cruise.  Your date should feel he’s good looking enough to keep your attention only on him, else, in the first place, you shouldn’t have dated him to begin with.

Be positive, i.e. stop complaining, whining, et cetera.  No one wants to hear how much you hate your ex-boyfriend for cheating on you after you cheated on him.  Or how annoying your boss is for not giving you that promotion you wanted to get so badly, even f it was given to someone more qualified than you.  Or how you hate your parents for not understanding your homosexuality.  Instead, be upbeat – you know you can do that!  And while being upbeat, be honest – if you think watching Norbit with him sucks big time, say so (just say it nicely, e.g. I am not a fan of Eddie Murphy, can we watch any movie with Lukas Ridgestone in it instead?).

And be yourself, too (related to the above tip).  If you make up a persona when you first date, you’d have to live with that made up persona if/when the relationship works.  So forget saying you’re Enrique Iglesias’ half brother (her mother’s Filipina, hey...), or that you have a postgraduate degree from Harvard (I honestly know of one who does this even now), or that you have a big, big dick – unless all of them are true!

While alcohol can be your social lubricant, making you freer to be yourself, remember not to drink too much.  You may end up embarrassing yourself, and have no recollection about it the next day; or you could have unprotected sex (or even be raped); or simply, your alcoholism may be a big turn-off, and there goes that date.

And do try not to sleep with him on the first date.  Yes, these are more enlightened times – but we still call those who sleep around sluts; or maybe, to be nicer, sexually adventurous, and not that many seekers of long term relationships want to start relationships orgiastically.