5, and Wants to be a Girl

Gender Bender
By Kiki Mura

My husband is coming home in a few months, after working in Saudi Arabia for almost five years straight.  But while excited, particularly since he’s planning not to work overseas anymore, we were able to save enough to open a small business to support us in the long term, I am worried sick of his coming.  Why? Because his only son, who was even named after him, wants to be a girl.
What do I do?

ELIZABETH T.
City of Manila

Only seven, my son thinks he’s a girl.  He doesn’t WANT to be a girl, mind you.  He thinks he is a girl.  And that’s even after it was clearly explained to him he isn’t a girl – e.g. he has a penis, a girl doesn’t, an observation he responded with a question: “I’m in the wrong body, then?”
I am not sure of my reaction to this yet, but I know I don’t want my son to be ridiculed for wanting to be gay. So what am I to do now?

CLARK P.
Province of Laguna

I am a 17, and I’m a boy. At least physically.  People say I’m gay, that I want to be a woman. I don’t want to be a boy.  I think I’m a girl.  Should have been a girl.  Am I wrong? Or are they?

JESSIEMIL F.
Davao City

In May 2009, a 17-year-old Australian girl won the right in court to have both of her breasts surgically removed – a move that was expected Alex (as the FTM TG was named in court documents) to build a new life as a boy.  Mainly, this is because Alex – identified as a boy in court) – may have been born female but lives as a male, a psychological condition (gender identity dysphoria) that makes him unhappy with his gender since he believes he is of the opposite sex.

While the court decision was lambasted by many, Family Court chief justice Diana Bryant was quoted as saying that Alex “already lives life as a male, and as such, was socially constrained by the breasts, avoided being hugged and wore binding at the beach and the breasts were an impediment to his social development, which everyone thought was very important.  (Thus, the) evidence 'overwhelmingly' showed that it was in his best interests and the order was made quickly so that he could have the operation straight away.”

This is good news, yes; but for Filipino TGs, a dream still to be realized – and may not be realized, at least not during our lifetime.  Which is where the bad news lies, as it reflects how, truly, the view of gender in the Philippines pathetically remains fixed on stereotypes, i.e. the segregation of gender only according to male and female (due to deemed sex organ) and nothing else.

There is nothing wrong with the child born male or female (or both) wanting to be the opposite sex.  Simply, it is called gender identification – a personal association of the self, which does not necessarily have anything to do with the physicality of a person (i.e. forget the presence of the vagina or the penis or both in the body).  When Aussie Alex was granted by the court to reshape his body according to how he identifies himself, Dr. Michael Robertson, a senior research fellow at the centre for values, ethics and the law in medicine at the University of Sydney, was quoted as saying that “there are some people who are confused or distressed about their gender and it reflects a mental illness, such as a psychotic illness or a severe disturbance of personality.  But the large majority live lives in very rational and reflective ways as a different gender, and do not have a psychological disorder.”

These may not be great analogies, but they demonstrate the body’s fluidity to express identities: born with black hair, one can change the color of his/her hair to be a blond/redhead/et cetera; most Filipinos are not comfortable with their skin color, doing everything to be fairer-skinned; curly haired people spend a lot of money to straighten their hair; women “get” bigger breasts, as if they just shop, through surgical augmentations; et cetera.

It is all about being comfortable with oneself, being happy with your body (physically and figuratively).

Wanting – and taking steps – to be the opposite sex is in the same vein (albeit in a much, much deeper way, definitely).

Isn’t a parent’s role to empower his/her child to love himself/herself?  To have confidence in his/her choices.  To have options available to succeed in a life he/she will lead (not you or anyone else, but he/she will).  To be happy with what life he/she will end up having.

It isn’t your child who needs changing – he/she already knows what he/she is.
It is your seeing it the way he/she sees it.

And finding happiness in his/her happiness.

Yes, society can be cruel.

It will still remain so for lifetimes to come.

But with your understanding of his/her situation, your support even, he/she can face that cruelty.

So, yes, he’s a five year old boy who wants to be a girl. 

And he (she) already knows what he (she) wants.

The real question is, will you be happy for him (her) for that?

Kiki Mura is a “budding” transgender who makes the rounds and is in the know of the five Wives (in newsmen terminology, the important Ws to ask when interviewing, i.e. Who, What, When, Where and Why) and one Husband (for the one H, i.e. How) for everything transgender in the Philippines . “Besides,” she said, “even if I didn't know, my dear, my circle is wide enough to fill in the rest of those that I missed or simply don't know!”