Happy Ending
(A Blessing in Disguise)

Food for the Soul
By Calex

As I write this article, I am listening to Mika’s Happy Ending. Previously, I wrote about my possible love on Valentine’s. Sadly, it wasn’t meant to be. I tell myself I am over her and the whole thing. However, just the thought of 11th Feb. dinner, makes me weep.

On hindsight, I am thankful that everything has ended on a second dinner date. I believe that relationships/friendships are investments. At least at this point, I was already warned: STOP! A late dinner at 10 past, due Crikey’s oven turned my inihaw na liempo into a steamed one. This meant resorting to pan-fried pork belly. By the way, it still turned out to be tender and awesome, according to Crikey. With dinner come discussions, wherein you find out how a person is.

Crikey told me that she’ll be off to the US for 5 days to celebrate her birthday. I asked who she’s going with. Yes, she’ll be with the ex (they did the same thing in 2009). I told her that you’re no longer together, so what’s the point? And she was like, but we’ve been together for 4 ½ years (broke off their engagement in 2008). Moreover, she said, I know this cycle will happen again: getting close, the ex getting sweet to me, then we’re okay again, then she’ll get into my face and then we argue and I cry then we’re off again.

While she told me this, in my head, I was already assessing a 30 year-old reason out to me like a child. Crikey’s definitely smart, but emotional intelligence, zero. So, I said, you already know this vicious cycle, then why stay? Why not find someone better? Why put up with that? I said:
"In Life, You Don't Get What You Deserve, You Get What You Negotiate" - Chester Karrass

Crikey, you definitely need to negotiate for a better deal, I said. After that sequence, it was her turn to do the talking: she asked me about me and my ex-bff. I told her that she’s a thing of the past and not someone I would go back to; I’d rather concentrate on my present. Plus, I realized that I have yielded so much power on my ex-bff that I lost myself in her, with all the complications, lies, and her PRIDE (I mean BIG). Really, I’m doing fine without her; feels empowering to take control of my life. Crikey pushed and said, try to get in touch with her again. My reply: I already did that for the past 11 months, and nothing happened. Why should I reach out to someone who doesn’t want to be with me anymore?  

After that exchange, I decided to shut my mouth, it’s going nowhere. Evidently, Crikey is well stuck in her past, while I am busy dealing with the present. After that, she spent cuddling her guinea pig, Ratbag (she has four guinea pigs, which was bought with the ex), and I continued to observe her. Really, Crikey is an emotionally trapped child, someone non-controlling, has simple wants, afraid to be alone (not having a partner), loves unconditionally, and not knowing her real worth. Moreover, she needs someone who will nurture that child in her, in order to make her emotionally mature and handle relationships appropriately.  

In contrast, her ex presses her guilt buttons, they argue, until she cries. You see, I had the chance to look at her ex’s photo, while Crikey was away since I asked her to get me cooking oil and table napkins for our nilasing na hipon. I can ‘read’ people by looking into their eyes, and I am scarily accurate. Indeed, the eyes are the windows to the soul; can’t lie to me on who you really are. In summary, the ex is someone controlling and manipulative. Perhaps the cycle of abuse goes back to her childhood, as she told me that she got more smacking compared to other children (remember we are in the UK). Moreover, she describes her mother as an alcoholic bastard who is angry with the world.

What was supposedly a romantic evening turned out otherwise. We ended up discussing different things, like watching Youtube, and sharing my love for acapella music. Since it was too late to go home, I ended up sleeping on her couch and left the morning after. However, I am thankful that everything about her revealed itself without going further and deeper in the relationship. In turn, I felt sorry for her, because of what she has been through emotionally. Yet, this is someone who refuses help as well (she said she’s been through therapy but that hasn’t helped her).

Having experienced emotional scars myself from my mom, I sought reiki therapy (spirit/soul healing in Japanese) last year, in order to take charge of my life. What eased the process, was that I wanted to help myself by being a better person. Treatments are never one-way. 

Unfortunately, even though I like and love Crikey with all my heart and will take care of her until she emotionally matures, I cannot be selfish and keep her for myself. Rather, her personal journey is the most important voyage she will ever make. Moreover, I am afraid for her, that if she can’t figure out her self-worth and self-esteem, then she will remain in destructive relationships, with her ex or anyone else. In turn, this may cause her to self-destruct.  

Sayang! Crikey is hot, intelligent (got a scholarship to study in an all-girls independent school at 11), has a double major degree from Oxford (honorable mention), and an Account Director for a Financial PR firm before 30 (now a freelance). Definitely, she ticks all my boxes, but as I got to know her further, I don’t see her personality and EQ in our conversations and in her actions too.

Truly, I realized that this is a blessing. First, I really need to get my career on track, or else it’s go home in a few months time. Second, it means exploring my options—meeting and knowing more ladies as the time passes. Third, I know who I am and my worth, and will not let anyone treat me like crap. Fourth, love comes in mysterious ways; when you least expect it. Fifth and finally, wala sa itsura, estado ng pamumuhay, talino yan. It’s the personality, connection and how you manage things that come your way that you will stick together as a couple. Remember, as much as we have our own set of criteria or standards, the person has their own too. Just a piece of advice: remain single if your partner will drive you mad or hihilain kayo pabababa.

Calex is a 25 lesbian living in London. She would love to hear your comments, suggestions or even if you are seeking advice. You may contact her at jombag_13@hotmail.com.