Host With the Most
By Miss Tessa
PUBLISHED: JULY 2009

One of my closest friends, Mari C., needed a venue to hold her birthday – “Nothing too big,” she says, “or fancy.  Just the right venue to host a… somewhat intimate gathering of friends looking to celebrate a most personal milestone in my life.” 

What she didn’t tell me, need not have told me, was that she didn’t have that much of a budget (I, most of all, understand this, I tell you that), thus the limitation to just hold a “somewhat simplistic” party.

So I offered my place.

Which Mari C. accepted.

Which, in turn, made me a co-host (Mari C., as the celebrant, being the main host).

And, as such, made me yet again an O.C. – hosting is not as simple as having food on the table (no matter how good), overflowing alcohol (no matter how expensive), free-flowing talks (no matter how jolly), et cetera.  It is a combo of all those – and more, so much more.  And it was the kind that had all that I wanted to throw – that is what is only worth throwing.

Now, you ask, how to ensure this is what will be offered?

Let’s go through the important points one by one by one.

The first, and arguably most important, element to ascertain is the “when” of the party – it will set everything up for you, e.g. too early, it becomes a breakfast/brunch gathering; just after lunch, it may as well be a siesta gathering, with your guests snoozing while you are trying to keep them awake; and too late in the evening, you’d have non-eating guests since dinner is way, way past already.  Thus, if you want a romantic gathering, go for dusk – a glaring sun is way too bright to spell romance, dear.  If you want gothic, go for the evening – morning’s too, well, inappropriate for a such-themed party.

Then identify the venue – this actually is dependent on the third point, the number of guests expected.  Fit both with the “when” – with lunch, you may want many guests to attend to a mini-fiesta; for an intimate dinner, the garden should be fine early in the evening; and for a wild party, perhaps a barbecue by the pool, with beer overflowing should start the party well.

Of course, you’d have to ascertain the kind of people who will be invited, too – ask some ambassador to join, then keep the marijuana bong in the cupboard (unless you are in some secret we do not know…); you’re hosting kids, then off with those dildos scattered on the hall leading to the rooms; you’re having a swinging party, then forget Sister Mary and her entourage from that congregation.

With the basics out of the way, what now?

Send out the invites – make that early, since, truth be told, you’re not the only party there is, you know; and others may be more, well, preferred than yours, so making people aware of your plan before other plans surfaced makes you the first choice.

On this, by the way, stick to RSVP – teach the practice among your friends.
Plan things early – the food, the drinks, et cetera, as this will allow you to accommodate changes should they happen (hopefully not). You can never tell about those uncertain things…

Now, the party.

Accept gifts graciously.  Yes, yes, you are a pescetarian – and they have with them slices of freshly slaughtered cattle, what do you do?  Don’t run away, it’s rude; instead, smile and say “thank you, that was nice of you to bring anything at all when you shouldn’t have”   - even if what you really want to say it: “This is disgusting – why did you bother?”

On this, it is always good to remember: A lady is a lady not because she can be good at hosting people – anybody can do that; but a lady is a lady because, even if it’s pigs she’s serving, she manages to remain poised – now that’s grace under pressure, indeed.  Mind, not that I’m saying you are entertaining pigs, or that you need to entertain pigs to know the caliber of your hosting skills; but you get the point…

With the chitchat, never let Miss Awkward Silence enter the talks.  This is why it’s better to have somewhat like-minded guests – else, you’d have to juggle talks, or, worse, mix talks, e.g. Remember Sister Margaret? She’s now working with… Oh, my, Margie filed a rape case against her father? That’s big news, indeed! But what about… That’s good news, that Helen’s father’s now with the U.N… Oh, wait – Sister Margaret was not raped by some priest, some Father something, honey.  And no rapist priest is working with the U.N.

You have to keep track of talks, especially if the people you gathered aren’t familiar with each other – or at least the chitchat with strangers rules.

Having said this, too, do not only mingle with people you know (talk to JunJun’s 39th wife, too, particularly since she may finally be the right one for him, as he says), and do not let anyone (including yourself) hoard the conversations (heaven knows we can only listen so much about Rodel’s botched up adult circumcision, or Maribel’s vaginoplasty gone all wrong).

Related to this is dividing labor.  Yeah, yeah, I consider hosting laborious because it is.  So ask your friends to pick up some of the responsibilities, e.g. when you’re off to the kitchen to get refills, tell them to continue the manipulation of the conversation; or wipe the food off Uncle Perry’s cheek, his wet nurse is still having her dinner in the servants’ quarter; or tell Prissy to shut her mouth, we don’t want to hear any more about her encounter with Randy’s Great Dane.

When offering drinks, know your guests – e.g. I once served alcoholic beverages to this friend of a friend who joined one of my parties; problem was, he was allergic to alcohol.  The party ended in St. Claire’s emergency room – and that’s even with some medical practitioners as guests, since everyone was, by then, all pissed off their heads, me included.

With this in mind, prepare as many options as possible.  This should keep everyone happy.  Drunk is always happy, dearies.

As a summation, what does it mean to be an outstanding host or hostess?

Simply, to ensure your guests have a good time.

No, not everyone can be me.

But you can learn.  Or at least try.

My friend Mari C.’s party was a blast – at least so the guests said, all of them already looking forward to next year’s (or at least the next party I am planning to host).  The secret was in the guaranteeing of fun – yes, there were two or three saboteurs, who wanted to ruin Mari C.’s gathering – and people like them, all fault-finding at some corner, completely unwilling to join in the fun everyone was having, can only be accommodated to some extent.  If/when attempts to make them join fail, just be courteous with them, no more than that which they deserve.  Because by focusing too much on pleasing them, you are making yourself miserable, and that, of all the rules there are, is on top of the list: HAVE FUN, YOURSELF.
More than people taking a cue from you (re fun), it is, at the end of the day, your party, so celebrate.

“We should do this again – and soon,” Mari C. told me after thanking me.

“Defo, dearie,” I said.

Then to myself: “But next time, I pick the party’s theme.”

Miss Tessa is a self-titled social worm (read: climber) who is in the process of perfecting her knowledge on the ins and outs of the supposed right and supposed wrong in everything gay.  Join her journey towards becoming a full-blown social butterfly.