From Hubby to BFF*

Gender Bender
By Kiki Mura

*By Mikee dela Cruz, writing for Kiki Mura, who is, as of this writing, still in extended vacation ;)

Sometime in the 1990s, Venus M.’s husband “decided to live the way, he said then, he ought to,” Venus M. recalls, “which meant becoming – transitioning – to being a woman.”

That she had no “inkling whatsoever he felt trapped in his own body, that he was unhappy living as a man (considering we already had four children), that for the longest time he wished to be something else, were all disturbing to me.  It was like waking up one day, then realizing you never really knew the person you have been spending your sleeping and waking hours for years and years and years,’ Venus M. says.  “Where was the man I married?  That was my question.”

Venus M.’s case isn’t altogether new – transitioning (taking the sex not aligned with – and usually opposite of – nature’s assignation) female to male (FTM) or male to female (MTF) individuals, particularly those already in once-stable predominantly heterosexual relationships, greatly affect not just the transgendered individuals (TG), but also those around them.

Thus, while support is needed to be given to the FTM/MTFs, just as much support is needed by those also affected.

In T-Girl Survival Guide, TG Renee Reyes (reneereyes.com) stresses particularly to partners (wives and/or husbands, or partners) that “before you consider what course of action works for you, let’s get one thing very clear: Your ‘man’ did not choose to the transgendered.  I repeat: he did not choose to become this way.”
The same is true, of course, to “women” who decide to be TG’d – though in both cases, “this lack of ‘choice’ does not exonerate him/her from being responsible for his/her actions.”

Reyes offers “options” on how to make relationships continue to work while, or after transition, with the combinations becoming “methods (to keep) happy ‘marriages’ with transgenderism.”

The first option is to get involved.  This is particularly relevant to those who “have the sort of relationship where being apart would do nothing more than tear away at the seams of your special union, (so that standing by your man/woman) makes best sense,” Reyes says.  With this, “get involved in everything he/she is doing.”
Getting involved means meeting his/her TG friends/support group/s, going with him/her to his/her doctor/s, holding his/her hand while explaining to others (e.g. children, parents, relatives, et cetera) of the transition, helping her make herself up, helping him pick up girls, et cetera – no walk in the park, admittedly, but can be life changing in positive ways for all involved.

The second option, according to Reyes, is to support from a distance.  “For those of you who simply can't bring yourself to trot around with your man in a dress, you can always send him on his way independently – with specified timetables and rules – and wait until he returns home. Of course, this option requires the big T: Trust,” Reyes says.

With this approach, he/she gets to evolve, just as you, too, can move forward with your life, even if still connected with each other.

The third option is to say goodbye.  “I hate to even mention this option, but it is a reality. Some women simply cannot deal with a man who is transgendered, and discovering this facet changes the entire relationship,” Reyes says.  “I've seen this happen because the whole process seemed too overwhelming, and the lines of communication that solve such complex challenges had eroded years earlier.  I've seen this occur when the wife changed her outlook on her spouse after discovering his feminine side, and lost respect for him as a man.  I've seen it happen because their man was really a bona fide transsexual, with plans of transitioning to womanhood.”

While relationships can still be kept intact – i.e. the former husband and wife can still be together – parting may be best so keep that relationship intact.  Akin to growing well, albeit growing apart from each other.

How you react to a transitioning partner is entirely up to you – but take note, “you might discover that he/she can become your best friend in the years ahead,” says Reyes.

And this is no exaggeration.

Kiki Mura is a “budding” transgender who makes the rounds and is in the know of the five Wives (in newsmen terminology, the important Ws to ask when interviewing, i.e. Who, What, When, Where and Why) and one Husband (for the one H, i.e. How) for everything transgender in the Philippines . “Besides,” she said, “even if I didn't know, my dear, my circle is wide enough to fill in the rest of those that I missed or simply don't know!”