On Sticky Rice, Fruit Salad, and Potato Queens...
Closer Look at Interracial/Intercultural Relationships
By Frolic Tan Lopez
PUBLISHED: APRIL 2009

"Too different for it to work.” 

That, in not so many words, was what Lance D., a 28 year old Filipino, was told “more times than I could count,” he says, when he met Damian W., a 32 year old Australian.

“Without any intention of sounding xenophobic, I have been told, a relationship between people of different races just seemed improbable – we had more differences than we had similarities, starting with the colors of our skins, and, even if many express the ‘opposites attract’ mantra, differences more often come in the way than unify couples,” Lance D. says.

Not that it – “particularly initially,” he stresses – stopped the two from becoming boyfriends, “what with the seeming attempts to make what we had not to work, actually challenging us to make it work.”

And by doing so, Lance D. and Damian W. became an interracial/intercultural couple, a pair of individuals coming not just from different countries, but from different races/cultures, too.

WAYS OF SEEING

According to Tony Docan, in Building and Sustaining Intercultural Relationships: Public Perceptions and Practical Benefits of Friendships and Romantic Relationships in Intercultural Contexts (allacademic.com/meta/p112111_index.html), there are four general principles why a relationship begins – i.e. proximity, similarity, complementarity, and physical attraction.  

Obviously, intercultural/interracial relationships may “begin with a simple element: proximity or personal contact with a person from another culture or race,” since, “when individuals are placed in similar spaces with members of other cultures and races, the processes (of forming relationships) may begin.”  This may be triggered by “the similarity principle – and according to this principle, which applies to many cultural groups, we tend to be attracted to others that are similar to ourselves (Osbeck and Moghaddam, 1997; Tan and Singh, 1995);” or be due to the complementarity principle, which “holds that we may be attracted to others who are different from us, which creates a sense of balance in the relationship. Clearly, intercultural relationships present differences that both parties will bring to their relationship. Although partners of an intercultural relationship may be attracted to one another because of differences, some similarities must be established for the relationship to successfully grow (Hatfield and Rapson, 1992).”

A more commonsensical reasoning for entering into an intercultural/interracial relationship, however, may be just that: commonsensical – “The final reason why people generally enter intercultural relationships is physical attraction. Attraction can lead to a friendship or a romantic relationship,” says Docan, adding that “positive traits that are associated with what is attractive may differ from culture to culture, but the judgments among cultures in favor of what is beautiful are rather consistent (Wheeler and Kim, 1997).”

This, says Lance D., is the “simplistic explanation why I fell for (Damian W.) – I found him physically attractive,” he says, then, with a smile, adds: “Blame the media for my concept of what’s beautiful, but, there you have it, plain and simple, I found him physically attractive so I went for him.”

Docan notes, however, that “much of our population views intercultural relationships as negative,” with “intercultural relationships of nearly every type have been recognized as unacceptable, abnormal, and ‘mixed up’ throughout long stretches of history (Mills and Daly, 1995).” 

“It’s worse (locally) – everyone assumes you’re getting something from your (non-Filipino, and usually White) partner,” Lance D. says, who, nonetheless, admits that “dependence – not interdependence – is a reality, though, with many Filipinos/Filipinas going into relationships, if they can be called that, with (usually older) foreigners, expecting to be looked after (particularly financially).  Sometimes we dig our own graves.”

This negative observation, too, even if “many practical reasons exist for building and sustaining intercultural relations” – from, among others, “acquiring knowledge about the world, break stereotypes, and acquiring new skills (Martin and Nakayama, 1999);” and increased creativity and improved problem solving (Cox and Blake, 1991).”

Damian W. credits his relationship with Lance D. for “opening my mind to (Asian, particularly Filipino) way of seeing,” he says.  “I never thought I was somewhat racist – until, at least particularly initially, realizing I was seeing interracial/intercultural couples, and then thinking (it’s to the disadvantage of the White member) of the pair.  It was – arguably still largely is – the way such relationships were/are seen.  Our relationship, I believe, widened my horizons.”

For Docan, “within intercultural romantic relationships, partners can become more attuned to the family backgrounds, cultural values, and religious beliefs of the other person (since) sharing personal stories and experiences is a common way that partners become closer.”  And “couples sharing information promoted cultural learning and interpersonal growth (Rangel, 1999),” aside from requiring “partners and families to be racially tolerant, democratic, and open (Root, 2002).”

AGREE TO AGREE

Damian W. is the first to say that interracial/intercultural relationships “pose their own sets of challenges,” he says, adding that “foremost is contextualizing just about everything.  He eats rice three times a day – I prefer pasta, and only once a day, if at all.  He has viands – I have sauces.  He cares about what other people say, even those from people he doesn’t personally know – I couldn’t care less, as they do not affect my life. Seemingly small, trivial things; but they make up the whole picture, so they matter a lot, really.”

For Docan: “An intercultural romantic relationship, just as any relationship, is bound to pose challenges to the couple.  It must be taken into consideration that all romantic relationships will require some degree of compromising from both partners. Flexibility and negotiation are key elements that help sustain long term relationships.

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