Only a few months ago, a friend disclosed her HIV status to me.

“I am positive,” she says. 

Not unlike President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo’s “I am sorry” declaration, really, except that my friend’s statement had, for me, a bigger impact, a more lasting impact – this is the same person I somehow grew up with in Metro Manila to discover places all new to the both of us while learning life’s big lessons (from drinking like there was no tomorrow, partying until we blistered our heels, flirting until every other woman in a club was ready to stab us with the Chardonnay glasses they were holding, et cetera).

But this is also the same person I went around with to give lectures on reproductive health, which, incidentally, included safer sex lectures.

Now she is positive.

“I…” I didn’t know what to say, really.  In my head, the thought that was running then was: A case of do as I tell you, not what I do.  And that wasn’t something I wanted to tell her.

“Did you hear me?” she said after some silence passed between us.  “I’m positive.”

I nodded.

I heard her.

“You’re the last person I should be telling it isn’t a death sentence,” was what I eventually said.

She nodded.  “Yeah, I know.”

I reached out, hugged her – and she, who wasn’t that big on hugging relented.

“I know,” she said again.  No tears.  She even had a tiny smile.  As she patted the back of my head.

And so our journey into HIV and/or AIDS awareness truly began – this time not as bystanders who happen to have been more educated (and could articulate to others what we have learned) about HIV and/or AIDS, but as people actually infected (my friend) and affected (myself) by it.

And on this, the first question to ask is always: “What now?”

According to the Canadian AIDS Treatment Information Exchange (CATIE), there are things “you need to know right now as a person newly diagnosed, and (things that) you can do as you adjust to this new factor in your life.”

First thing – and the most important of all – is that you are okay.  “Receiving a diagnosis of HIV changes your life forever. It is normal that you will feel a lot of different emotions as you come to accept the idea of living with HIV. How are you feeling right now? Maybe you have just found out, and you're calm. Or maybe you found out a month or two ago and were okay until someone made a thoughtless remark. Or maybe you've been drinking and partying a bit too much or have retreated into your shell, but now feel you can't do that forever.  Whatever you are feeling, it is really important to tell yourself that it's okay and to give yourself permission to feel those feelings,” CATIE states, stressing that “it is a good idea to let them out – be angry, be sad, be confident, be calm, be afraid, be numb.”

Secondly, “you may not believe it right now, but HIV is not a death sentence. There have been significant advances in the care and treatment of HIV. People with HIV now live long, productive lives – in fact, doctors speculate that many people with HIV might live out their natural lifespan.  So, since you're likely to be around a while, you have a future. You can still have sex, you can still have meaningful relationships, you can still have a family, and you can still have a career,” CATIE states.

Thirdly, and nonetheless, while your life is not yet over, it is wrong to believe that things will still be the way they were before.  Let me apologize for the analogy, but when you have Hepatitis, you don’t go around sharing needles – ditto with HIV (N.B. NOT that you should ever share, actually, irrespective of the known status).  Some changes will have to be done sooner rather than later.

Having these knowledge, what then are the more concrete steps one who is diagnosed to be positive can do?

Get connected, CATIE states – e.g. find a doctor experienced in dealing with patients with HIV, find support groups (e.g. Pinoy Plus), et cetera.  “Connecting with people who have HIV and who understand your concerns and needs is a fantastic way to learn about how to live with the virus.”

The HIV/AIDS group adds: “Remember, everyone has a different way of dealing with HIV and some people seek more support than others, so don't be afraid to ask for help or information.”

Part of the connection is disclosure – something my friend did with me, which CATIE sees as a big step since “you might want to tell people who are close to you that you have HIV so that you can get emotional support.”

Indiscriminately telling about your status is a no-no, though.  Instead, CATIE offers these guide questions in the selection of people to disclose to:

Who do you feel ought to know?

Who accepts and doesn't judge you?

Who loves and values you?

Who respects your privacy?

Who is practical and sensible and reliable?

Who is a good listener?

Obviously, “you may tell different people for different reasons.”  But if you do decide to disclose, “some tips that may make it easier include: choosing carefully who you tell; picking a safe, comfortable place to have the talk; preparing yourself (you can never tell how they’d react); emphasizing the importance of confidentiality; having realistic expectations ; and not feeling responsible for the other person's reaction.”

Note, too, the need to inform: healthcare providers (to know “special” care you may need), sex partners (e.g. husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, fuck buddies, et cetera – to allow them to protect themselves, too), et cetera.  But on disclosure, of course, knowing your rights is important – no, you don’t have to tell your employer (particularly if your sexual health has nothing to do with your occupation), your landlord, and even healthcare professionals, as disclosing is, generally, up to you.

“Remember, you don't have to tell everybody, and you should evaluate the risk to you before you tell.  Unfortunately, there is still stigma and fear attached to HIV, even though discrimination against people with HIV is illegal. Think carefully about disclosing to someone if it might be dangerous for you to do so,” CATIE states.

Yet another important move to make after finding out of your status is keeping yourself healthy.  “Remember: Today, people with HIV are living for a long time with the infection. Part of making that happen is keeping yourself healthy, and that means taking control of your health.  Learning about HIV and its effects on your body means that you can be in control of the virus and not it in control of you,” CATIE states.

No, you don't necessarily need to start antiretroviral treatment right away – this will have to be discussed with your doctor, who will consider with you various factors.  But yes, as was earlier mentioned, you have to change your lifestyle – e.g. eat well, exercise, and get the emotional support you need.

Part of the staying healthy call is to keep the people around you healthy – i.e. preventing HIV transmission.  “Find out how HIV is transmitted so that you'll know how to avoid passing HIV on to your children, your sexual partners, or the people you do drugs with.  HIV can be transmitted through four bodily fluids: blood, semen, vaginal fluid and breast milk; so practise safer sex by using a condom and not sharing sex toys; and if you inject drugs, don't share needles, water and other injecting equipment,” CATIE states.  “Be assured that HIV is not transmitted by sneezes or coughs, by casual contact (handshakes, hugs or kisses), by sharing cups, plates, utensils or food, by using the same towels or bed sheets, or by swimming in the same pool.”

In a way, my friend is already luckier than most infected with HIV/AIDS – she has the stock knowledge on what it is, and what she ought to be doing now that she has it.

“How do you think this will affect our lives together?” she asked me after our long hug.

I was silent again.  I had to think.

“Honestly,” I said, “I don’t know.”

But I do know – as does she – that there are still much we want to do together, irrespective of her HIV status.

And you know what? We certainly will do them all!