From A Distance
Closer Look at Long Distance Relationships
By Mikee dela Cruz

When Martin M. met Tristan J. in 2003, he was very honest about “the two of us, should we decide to become boyfriends, doing it long distance,” he says.  “I am based in Singapore (where I work as a musician), and his life is here, so…”
Tristan J., teasingly called a serial long distance relationship (LDR) kind of guy by his friends, laughs.  “It’s not like you plan for things like this to happen,” he says, meaning “falling or someone.”  “With LDR, things just happen.”

This, both agree, poses different kinds of challenges.  After all, as Martin M. stresses, “absence, they say, makes the heart grow fonder – or forgetful, as my mother is wont to add.  Take the case of William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, who, the more their warring parents kept them as far away from each other as possible, couldn’t seem to get enough of each other to the point of killing themselves because they can’t live with the thought of not having each other.  Or, adversely, of Diane Lane’s Italian lover in Under the Tuscan Sun, who, since he couldn’t seem to ‘connect’ with her, gave up on what they could have had altogether,” he says.  “This is why LDRs, while no different from more conventional relationships (it involves two people who share an interest in each other – an interest that they hope will only continue to grow), have more to contend with to survive.”

“Challenging and difficult, though they may not be what we want to hear, are the words that best describe LDRs,” relationships expert Alina Ruigrok, author of Surviving a Long Distance Relationship, says.  “(But) keep in mind that the words are challenging and difficult, not impossible.  Many people choose to give a LDR a try, with the constant curiosity if it was the right decision to make, and if it even stands a chance. The truth is, an LDR has just as much a chance of succeeding as any other relationship.”

It goes without saying, nonetheless, that for a LDR to succeed, “more effort is a necessity, thus the need for alternative approaches to it,” Tristan J. says.

MAKE ARRANGEMENTS.

Tristan J. believes that “If you think it’s worth having, it’s worth taking a risk having it.”  And so, in attempting to make their relationship work, he and Martin M. agreed to come up with arrangements to avoid misunderstandings, e.g. they could “have fun” with others as long as they are honest with each other.  “Many people say that the temptation is too strong when you are far from your lover.  I say, if you can’t help it, give in – as long as you agreed upon it with your lover,” Tristan J. says.  “The thing is, if you really love each other, a trivial thing like date or even a fling shouldn’t be a reason for you to break up.”

Ruigrok agrees.  “The first step is to make an agreement of what your expectations are in the relationship, and how much of a commitment you are willing to give and receive,” she says.  “Being clear about what you both want is extremely important, especially in a long distance relationship, in order to prevent future misunderstandings and mistakes. Do not feel afraid to tell your partner what you really need and want from him or her, you deserve the chance to speak from your heart and he or she deserves to know the truth and judge whether they can give it to you.”

DEVELOP TRUST.

Obviously, trust is a major necessity in any form of relationship, though probably more so for relationships from a distance.  “Without trust and honesty, the relationship is in for danger and unsuccessfulness, just as it would be any other relationship,” Ruigrok says. 

Not the best of examples, but Sheena Easton’s ‘80s song Telefone (Long Distance Love Affair) best expresses the effects on trusting (and losing it) developed by the distance:

Long long distance love affair, I can't find you anywhere
I call you on the telefone, but you're never home
I gotta get a message to you
I wanna tell you what I'm going through
What in the world's comin' over you

“By accepting the challenge of a long distance relationship, you also accepted the fact that you will have to have the trust and faith that your partner will (fulfill your promise to each other),” Ruigrok says.  “Being paranoid and accusing will only grow doubts, insecurity and tension between you (two), and none of those three will help the relationship survive successfully.”

KEEP IN TOUCH.

“There’s really no excuse for you not to be able to communicate, what with technological advances and all,” says Martin M., who, aside from calling Tristan J. at least thrice a week (those are the “official” phone calls, the compulsive ones are even more frequent), he also sends text and picture messages, e-mails, snail mails, et cetera. 

For Tristan J., “being creative with the way you keep in touch reminds your partner of how much you think about and love him, making him miss you more with the constant urge to see you,” he says, adding that, in their case, “we’ve learned to make use of Windows Live Messenger, Yahoo! Messenger, Skype.com, and even Facebook.com, MySpace.com and Multiply.com – voice over Internet protocol (VoIP) has made communicating easier, so, really, keeping in touch to sustain LDRs is easy.”

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