Turning Drab Into Fab
Taking Menial Jobs to the Next Level

Insignificantly Insidious Insights With age comes wisdom... and laugh lines. Screw it.
By Roy Macalma

The New Year is here, and so is the sense of starting anew. Worthless resolutions which never get realized and new diet plans forgotten after seeing a tub of heavenly gelatto. Some think of switching careers.  I know you’re feeling me here, but sometimes when I wake up, aside from moping about my lovelife (which is akin to Coke’s new sensational product – zero), I ask myself if the current job I am in is worth it. I am happy with it alright but there are also times when I imagine, what if I have a different career? What if I’m doing somebody else’s job?

Be honest, bitches, I know you hate menial jobs. I have reason to believe that an honest way of earning a living deserves respect. We should realize that without the people who do the dirty work, we, the professionals, would not be able to do our own. Engineers cannot construct building so their own, they need carpenters. Versace would not flourish without the unsung heros, the little seamstresses tucked somewhere in nondescript factory in Mauritius. Believe me; I have more respect for a person who earns by sweating it out than to a person who makes big bucks taking advantage of other people.

Taking this into consideration, I imagined what if I did the menial jobs and give it some of Kiddo’s magic. Would it be any better? The following are some crazy examples:

1. STREET SWEEPER. This is definitely a hard job, being exposed to the sun all day and sweeping the ever-so-abundant candy wrappers littering the side streets. I love the idea of wearing a wide-brimmed hat with a net (a la Dynasty) and low cut bustier, while sexily sweeping, and when I stoop, I draw the male pedestrians’ attention from throwing garbage on the street. Do you see an MMDA commendation? Most likely.
2. FISH VENDOR. Instead of the usual rubber boots and gloves, I will wear kidskin ones with fur lining the rim, while sorting fish from my sterling silver banyera. Instead of the usual sales pitch “Isda, isda kayo riyan!” I’ll  say “Fish, fish! Fresh, slippery and wet!”, while giggling from the obvious advances of the muscled kargador on the next stall. The use of a foreign language will instantly gain attention. Super sales, brawny males, what career could you ask for?
3. SEPTIC TANK CLEANER. Hell, if you should do something dirty, at least do it in style. Wearing a Hermes bathing suit while wading on cesspools helps a lot. An alternative outfit would be a statement shirt saying in front “Life sucks, I can too.” And on the back “I still know what you had for dinner.”
4. BARKER. I am not a screamer and I cannot sustain singing for long periods of time, so I guess in order to succeed in this job which requires tremendous vocal power, I would have to take radical measures to gain the discriminating passengers’ attention. Taking body painting to the extremes, I’ll have the chosen jeepney’s routes painted on my chest and the sub-routes on my back. Example:  Dakota on my boobs and FB Harrison on my back. The drivers would love me for it.
5. BALUT VENDOR. As I’ve seen in the past, balut vendors get attacked by dogs at night because they definitely miss the truth that in actuality, dogs would not attack anything silent and stealthy. Instead of braying “Balut!” to the heavens all night, I would resort to something visual. Taking inspiration from Mariah’s studded microphone, I would have my bike studded with Swarovski crystals all over. I would make a overhead sign where the lights, forming the words “Balut!, then Penoy!”, blink in rapid succession. Of course, to prepare for cute customers, the shortest denim short would be the out fit of choice.
6. WINDOW CLEANER. What’s the sexiest way to look while hanging suspended in mid-air? Wearing a Lara Croft outfit of course! Add some braids (if you have short hair, do extensions) and some padding on the boobs and you’re all set. Fun while getting the attention of the people inside the building.
7. DVD VENDOR. I know the feeling of disappointment when you search for a DVD that is not yet available. To revolutionize side street DVD merchandising, I’ll make a waiting list for in demand DVDs, just like in reputable bookstores. Well, customers are customers and even those sleazy ones who look for porn should be given the utmost care and will also be given their own waiting list. Example: “Hey, your #5 on the waiting list for new Bel-Ami. For the meantime, why don’t you try the new Falcon release?“
8. TIANGGE VENDOR. In these physically conscious times where being thin is an obsession, I would do everyone public service with my business. All clothes, no matter what size would always be labeled size zero. Imagine the flocks of customers lining up.

Every job could be hard and easy in its own way. Some are crazy, some are downright exhausting.  It’s up for us to choose which one we suits our fancy. What’s important is you’re doing it the honest way.

Writing as Kiddo, Roy Macalma shares his take on the incessant search for the right one. He may be reached at kiddolovesit@yahoo.com.