Queer Sibs
On Fag Hags, Fag Stags and Dyke Tykes
By Mikee dela Cruz
PUBLISHED: NOVEMBER 2009

“They’re more than my friends. They’re there even when friends are not.  They’re like… my sisters.  Twin sisters, even.  Seeming extensions of myself.”

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That, in not so many words, is how Vicky R., a press/public relations practitioner, sees her gay (“And MSM,” she adds) friends – the people she basically does everything with, from shopping for clothes (“See, you get free fashion consultants”) to traveling (“They’re men of the world”) to dining out (“They know the right places – and they eat the good food there, too”) to going partying (“They know what’s happening where, I tell you that”) to serving as confidantes (“They listen – and actually care about what they hear, not just pretend to listen, as guys tend to do”).
“They’re precious, alright,” she says.

What Vicky R. is, is a fag hag – not exactly the most flattering term (read: hag), but represents what she is, a “woman who either associates mostly or exclusively with homosexual men, or is best or good friends with a gay man or men,” as defined by Reference.com, as well as by Wikipedia.org.

The male counterpart terms – men who have the same relationships with lesbians – are dyke tykes, dyke dog, rug doctor, or Dutch boys, among others.

There are alternative, yet bearing the same meaning, references, e.g. in the Philippines, babaeng bakla; and for English speakers, fruit fly, fruit loop, flame dame, fairy godmother, and Goldilocks.

There are variants, too – for a lesbian who is a hag of gay men, the term used is dyke diva; and for men who prefer the company of gay men, fag stag.

TERMS RECLAIMED

While generally accepted to be used now, the term fag hag (and many of its variations) was actually started as an insult, e.g. this is obvious in the Japanese term okoge" (お焦げ or 御焦げ), actually referring to burnt rice that sticks to the bottom of the rice pot, said to refer to the Japanese equivalent to "faggot."
The term has long been reclaimed, nonetheless, e.g. still in Japan, another term, fujoshi (腐女子, lit. "rotten girl”, a play on 婦女子, also pronounced as fujoshi, though meaning "respectable woman”) is also used, due largely to the overwhelming popularity of male homosexuality-related media amongst Japanese women, state Reference.com and Wikipedia.org, adding such terms as the Spanish “Mari Pili”, which “refers to a very pretty and sexy girl that feels 'safe' with her gay friend/s; and the Greek "Αδερφομάνα" (pronounced "a-there-fow-ma-na", "gay mom") that usually describes an older (usually middle aged) woman that socializes or supports younger gay men.

Popularized by Q. Allan Brocka’s animated series Rick and Steve: The Happiest Gay Couple in All the World, as used by one of the characters, Condoleezza “Connie” Ling (voiced by Margaret Cho), a fag hag, is the alternative term, "alternate lifestyle companion."

As with Rick and Steve, the reference to fag hags has been popularized by various shows, films, et cetera – e.g. Fame (1980), Will & Grace, Queer as Folk, et cetera.

STEREOTYPES ABOUND

The acknowledgment of the fag hag has been getting a lot of literary action.
In Un-fatal Attractions, Antonia Richmond writes (for the San Francisco Chronicle, sfgate.com) that “we can thank Mary Ann Singleton and Michael Tolliver, Carrie Bradshaw and Stanford Blatch, and Grace Adler and Will Truman for paving the way to the recognition of straight woman/gay man relationships.”

But, as far as these literary and television characters have come, “it's still difficult to avoid certain clichés.”

To wit, gay men are seen as: fashion advisers, sex educators, and/or brunch buddies providing support to straight women, who, while considered as nurturing caretakers, are also “neurotic urbanites and insecure improvement projects.”

There is truth in all these, stresses Vicky R., who, “at various points in my life, I turn to my gay friends – e.g. call my fashion designer friend when I am about to play dress up for some party, or go to the gym with my gym rat gay friends, or hang out with my gay clubber friends when I need to be upped.  I can always count on them, that’s for sure.  Especially when I need them.”

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