Great Rainy Day Fixer Uppers

Insignificantly Insidious Insights Hot trick: I love my BF. Kiddo: (Gets naked) Do you love it? Hot trick: Yes.
By Roy Macalma

You know sunny days are numbered when you see those grayish formations starting to cover the sky on afternoons, or when abrupt downpours interrupt your sojourn with a current trick at the beachside café or when a drizzle interrupts your display of your catwalk skills at the local baywalk. Rain, and lots of it are on an onslaught.

I hate rainy days, and in fact in my perfect daydream, it’s ALWAYS summer. Clear blue skies, cold pina coladas and muscled tanned men frolicking in the water like stallions in a rut. I am certainly not Ororo Munroe aka that hot African goddess Storm, so I cannot alter the weather to my liking; however, I have always found ways to cope, and MAYBE turn it to my advantage in finding THE ONE. Here are some crazy things that you could do to cope with the rainy days but STILL remain in top form to meet the ONE:

1. Welcoming the rain. Sometimes it’s better to leave your umbrella at home, leave anything to chance, and then strut your stuff outside, not caring if it would rain. In the rain, who knows who would you meet, a new trick, THE ONE, or Ben Willis carrying his killer hook (oops maybe not the last one).  My friend, Dilbert met his partner, shivering wet in a waiting shed. I met one of my best tricks under a waiting shed near Intramuros while it’s raining pigs and elephants.  If you’ve seen some of the most romantic and dramatic moments in cinema history, you would see the protagonists kissing in the rain, letting go of their umbrellas (i.e. Rachel McAdam and Ryan Gosling in The Notebook). Always, remember, DO NOT wear a raincoat. No one kisses anyone dressed in polyvinyl chloride.
2. Using the umbrella as an accessory, not a necessity. Take a cue from Mother Nature. Plants advertise themselves through their showy flowers. Birds do it with colorful feathers. As for you, hopefully romantic singles, an umbrella could be used to gain attention. Just pick the zaniest color you could find and brandish it like a “come hither” advertisement. For the more adventurous ones, you can take umbrellas to the next level by advertising your preference in bed like Top, Bottom, Versatile, and Vanilla. Mine would certainly be “Pissed Off”. Of course, leave the giveaway umbrellas behind. You wouldn’t want to advertise to someone that you got it as a freebie from some Rural Bank of godknowswhere.
3. Dress like summer. Step out of those dreary blacks and grays which come along with rainy day outfits. Surprisingly, your swimwear will never go out of style, even during rainy season. Manila is one twisted soup bowl that collects rainwater at a rate faster than you can say “state of the nation address”.  You’ll never know when to tread on those murky floodwaters but if you are, at least do it in style. As a cardinal rule, white jeans should remain trapped in history like the 80s. No negotiations there. Always remember that more than half of the work in snagging THE ONE is all about appearance, appearance and appearance.
4. Do not match the weather with your facial expression. Rain reminds me of dread, of melancholy times. Boring. THE ONE will never notice surly expression on your face favorably. If the sun isn’t shining outside, radiate if from the inside. Always do the Kiddo expression. Stepford wife smile. Check! Kiddo scripting on cue. Check! Now who says THE ONE wouldn’t notice you have the most fetching ass in this corner of the galaxy.
5. Walking fast vs. running in the rain. I know there’s something interesting about the “damsel running in the rain” maneuver, but I beg to differ this time. Before, I too, was afraid to get wet, and I always run in the rain to the nearest shelter I could find. That all changed thanks to my good friend, the Easter Bunny (who you know who you are bitch, and you know I love you)who specifically told me in haughty tones: “Dear, why do you run in the rain? I don’t. We Assumptionistas were taught to just walk fast.” Come to think of it, it’s a classy, bold move. It’s like telling everyone “I know I am getting wet but I am not afraid coz I know even in the rain I still sizzle.” I bet after reading this I’d see many guys of the same persuasion walking fast under the rain. Of course this is applicable in light drizzles only OR if you’re wearing clothes with very soft material AND wearing nothing underneath. We don’t want your variables saying peek-a-boo.
6. Making do with situation. Sometimes the key to finding THE ONE or the average hot trick is to be versatile (no not THAT versatile, although you could try it too). If you’re used to walking around even at night and meeting guys outside, definitely you’ll find yourself at a standstill during the rainy season. Let’s analyze it in a spider’s point of view. In better weather, be a tarantula. Get around, roam and meet guys outside. In the rainy season, be a trapdoor spider OR a typical orb-weaving spider (I know, I know, my geeky side is definitely showing at this point but I have to do this analogy) which just waits for prey to come to it and snag it. Of course, in order to make the guy stay at your place you have to prepare the charms – smooth, soft pajamas or shorts and white chinos. This radiates simple, unadulterated sex appeal.

Don’t despair. The rainy season is not the end of the world. It’s just another challenge your hotness, and for sure, taking into consideration one or two these fixer uppers will at least make your rainy season more interesting. Water can drench your body but not your spirit.

Coming soon:
Before August comes to a close, I will relinquish the Miss Global Mint title to the next lucky lad who happens to wander to my friend Paul’s birthday party. No, it’s not the usual pageant. I didn’t dress up like a woman, silly you. E all just wore white outfits and blew our brains out answering tough questions beauty pageant judges would NEVER ask in their lifetime. 'Til then!

Writing as Kiddo, Roy Macalma shares his take on the incessant search for the right one. He may be reached at kiddolovesit@yahoo.com.