Doctor Dear

We were having dinner a few days back when my friend of nine years disclosed (that, apparently, is the right term to use) to me his seropositive status.
“I’m HIV positive,” he said – simply stated, and, I thought then, even very calmly stated.
I didn’t know what to say.
I looked him over – all these thoughts running through my head: what I was expected to say, if I had to hug him (and what were those I read about ways to get infected?), if I should be crying (he wasn’t, I thought someone had to), et cetera.
I didn’t know what to do.
“You are?” I said to him, stupidly.
And stupid is how I still feel now.
I still don’t know what to say.
And I still don’t know what to do.

Me and my boyfriend of eight months decided to get ourselves tested for HIV together – it was supposed to be our next step in the relationship: if/when we tested negative, we could start barebacking.
I tested negative.
He’s positive.
I still love him; still want to be with him – but I don’t even know how to face him.
Help?

My friends told me one of our friends is positive. In a way, I was angry with the disclosure, since I know they shouldn’t have done that – if/when our friend is ready to tell, I am sure he will. But in a way, I am glad to have been told earlier, too, so I can prepare myself with the news if/when finally told by our friend. Because the problem, for me, is how should one react when told one person he/she knows is positive?

Writing for thebody.com, Jin Pickett states in Big Deal that, yes, it is a big deal offering support to a friend who tests positive. And I concur – adding that even just facing a friend who tested positive (and disclosed to you) is a big deal.

Why?

It all has to do with (socially constructed) concept of HIV infection – despite the continuing information dissemination on what it really is, et cetera, false beliefs continue to persist, e.g. it’s a “shameful, sinful” disease (that it’s reserved to “sinners” like homosexuals, sex workers, et cetera), that you can easily get infected by HIV-positive people, that… oh, you know those beliefs!

The thing, though, is all of these are exactly what they are: false beliefs.

Meaning, only the ignorant need worry about them.

And those who support the ignorance.

Many, admittedly, continue to do this – knowingly or not; and so the stigma continues.

Thus the “big deal” of supporting – or even just facing – a seropositive friend.
Obviously, the “solution” comes in getting educated – literature abound re HIV, and it is in actuality everybody’s responsibility (to oneself, to begin with) to be knowledgeable about it.

When the gaining of knowledge is done, then the first concern (how to react when first told re HIV status: BE ACCEPTING) is dealt with.

But supporting a positive friend/lover/partner goes beyond knowing he/she is positive.

And with this, knowledge can only go so far (so that even science has limits) – humanity is, then, the rule of the day.

Empathize. No, you need not be positive, too, to know what it’s like to be positive – at least somewhat partially. Meaning, put yourself in your positive friend/lover/partner’s place before: telling him/her off, telling on him/her on people who he/she doesn’t want to know of his/her status, being condescending with him/her, et cetera. If you are positive (incidentally, when was the last time you had your HIV antibody test?), you wouldn’t want certain things done to/with you – so don’t do those to those who know of their HIV status and told it to you.

Learn your place. Related to empathy is knowing what to do (or not) at the right place at the right time – i.e. do as he/she will had you been in his/her place. It isn’t your right to tell anybody else of what was told to you. It isn’t your place to judge him/her for how he/she may have been infected with HIV. It isn’t your place to drag him/her to your doctor friend – he/she’ll have his/hers, so lay off. Simply, learn it’s his/her issue, not yours (even if you share the story/secret/narrative with the disclosure to you).

Be there. If you, with your little worries, need support; how much more they who are dealing with a life-changing situation. Simply, just be there. That’s what any good friend will do…

Pickett says that, above all, the seropositive person needs to “be patient and kind with yourself right now” – the same ought to be expected from you, not just towards your seropisitive friend/s, but towards yourself, too. It is a trying time, knowing of one being HIV positive – to the person involved, most definitely; but to the support group (friends, lovers/partners, family count as such), too.

You want to be positive for a positive friend?

You don’t need grand acts.

Just be human.

Dr. Dear is, obviously, a doctor of sorts, and is the regular medical voice of the gayzine. Ask, he said, and you'll get your answers “in print so everyone can share – and perhaps even learn from what it is you want/need to know about.”