7 Summer Blooper Busters

Insignificantly Insidious Insights With age comes wisdom... and laugh lines. Screw it.
By Roy Macalma

Here it comes again, like a goddess calling you softly to make that epic voyage. It’s summertime again. I bet most people equate summer with bikinis, the sun, the beach, and all things cold slithering down your throat to alleviate the intense summer heat. It amuses me but when I see people on board a boat snapping pictures of the waves and I see migrating birds flying and about to land on a secluded spot away from the harshness of winter. It’s a chance to have some time off from work, go to a faraway place where you can get wasted, go crazy and do slutty things which you will never ever mention when you’re back in your dreary office desk. Bloopers are bloopers but though there may always be one in your summer trip, you can lessen them, provided that you pay attention to some little things that you always take for granted. Much like my favorite retort to a-holes I speak to on a regular basis at work, “I cannot speak for some people I can certainly speak for myself”, therefore I am giving you several reminders on how to minimize summer bloopers and elevate your summer experience to the next level.

1. AN ELBOW OF CONTENTION. I know one of the most relevant issues facing us today, is (not the economic depression, global warming, nor the melting of the polar icecaps) having dark elbows. Hell I know it’s a problem area that most people fail to see because we really cannot see our elbows unless someone comments that they’re so dark they could plant rice on it and earn extra bucks. True true, we may have exquisite faces, spotless necks and smooth arms but our elbows are always like a recurring nightmare, always there to reappear and insult us one or two shades darker than our skintone. Good things a goddess handed over her secret to combat our dark elbows and banish tHem far from the recesses of our summer experience. Miss Naomi Campbell suggested not to bleach your elbows but to put sunblock ONLY on them when you go bask in the sun. That way, your skintone catches up and there’s a more even coloring on you. A few more soaks in the sun and then you can go tell your elbows “Fooled you, ha!”
2. STRATEGIC TAN SHAPES. When something gets repetitive it becomes boring. That goes with clothes, food, boys and sex. That goes the same for tan lines. Tan lines are the definition of what summer is; how you enjoyed and how long you basked in the sun. Forget the boring g-string and t-back tan lines, nor those sick t-shirt and swimsuit lines. Make it edgier, more fun and exciting, say why make tan lines when you can go the extra mile and create tan shapes? With some sturdy micro pore tape and craft scissors, you can tape a myriad of shapes on your body, thereby creating unique silhouettes that would be in the memory of those guys you hooked up with. Carefully placed stripes could make you look like a zebra, or a tiger (depending on the thickness), or if you really want to be the baddest bitch in town you can just place a concentration of dots on your backside to make yourself look like the spotted hyena (err.. never emulate the laugh coz it deters guys, I swear). Bald guys will never feel left out. One single large circle at the top of their head would create an illusion of a whale’s blowhole. For the sweet, guy next door types, you can use two small and one large dot to your advantage and spark up the interest of that hot lone guy strolling along the sand by asking him the mind-boggling, earth-shattering question  “Wanna spot my hidden Mickey?”. Now who says Disney is only for kids?
3. GOING GA-GA FOR HENNA.  Like tan lines, a henna tattoo is a symbol of summer that is always there, and will never go away. Seeing countless arms sporting tribal tattoos, I always get a kick out of asking what tribe their tattoo came from. The regularity of getting furrowed eyebrows and glassy clueless eyes after I asked that debilitating question got me to think that maybe it’s our fault that we don’t get the tattoo that we want and can fully explain. Why pick a nondescript tribal tattoo that at least 10 of you would be sporting when you can decide on a unique design that’s uniquely you? Take for example the sinister trio – the snake, the skull, and the devil. I mean they’re badass but common. Taking inspiration from the one billion and counting Shake, Rattle and Roll editions, why not have a manananggal, undin or witawit painted on your body? Badass but unique right? Some moronic people always think that flashing the bird of having the words fuck you written on their arms is cool. I disagree with that. Writing a word that the average American uses every time he opens his mouth and having it written on your body is lame.  Step out of your comfort zone and do the risky. Have the words LOREM IPSUM tattooed across your back or chest. It gains attention, and if you can’t explain it, it’s okay coz no one really knows what it means (unless you encounter a person from Microsoft).
4. LET THERE BE LIGHT. How horrific it could be that you gave someone a head in complete darkness only to realize that it’s your best friend? When you are cruising with your friend in total darkness, staying away from each other is like UN’s policy on Sudan - not working. Recognizing each other in the dark is key. Customized glow in the dark stickers or fake rhinestones on your body (those glow in the dark stars and planets you get from Koko Krunch cereals would work out just fine, the only glitch is your argument on who’d wear the Saturn shaped sticker) would safely keep yourself out of your best friend’s marauding mouth and prevent being the butt of jokes when you’re on the way back to the city. However, when the guy you’re hooking up asks “What’s the glittering shape doing on your body?”, just tell him “I come in peace, take me to your leader”.
5. THE ONE DRINK PER GUY POLICY. Remember that all too familiar memory when your sluttiness gets the better of you and you become the stuff of circuit rumors simply because you happened to date all guys in the same circle, and is therefore labeled with the imaginary scarlet letter? Lying or changing your name for every guy is not always an option. Remember that you may never know which guys belong to a certain circle and you may never know which guy is the right one for you, so you must always appear unique and mysterious to the other guy. A good suggestion would be to order a different drink along with every guy you hook up with throughout your stay.  For you, just seeing the drink could remind you of a hot or a disastrous date and stay clos or away from that person.  What’s better is, if they all happen to be friends, they will never know they hooked up with the same person, coz the person they met ordered an entirely different drink. Just to make sure it works do not duplicate outfits, too.
6. SAND STRUCTURES. Making sand structures is not always restricted to children. Single guys, too can use it to their advantage. Instead of making the obligatory sand castle, make a shape so grotesque and so eerie it will elicit the attention of every person who walks by. When a cute enough guy asks and strikes your fancy move in for the kill by slowly shifting your conversation to yourselves then invite him to help you make another unique shape. Just a reminder, always make a different grotesque and eerie shape every day and phallic symbols DO NOT ALWAYS elicit good feedback. Forget those people who get their bodies buried beneath the sand with only their heads showing. Innovate by imitating the mythical ostrich maneuver. Make a hole in the sand and stick you head in, with only your body out of the sand. This showcases your body and yet gets attention every time. Just don’t forget to take a deep breath to avoid suffocation.
7. YOUR OWN SUMMER TAKE ON SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY. Always remember that summer is enjoyed IF you have quality time. I mean how the hell will you be able to do items 1-6 if you don’t have time for yourself? Sometimes our too inconsiderate friends spoil our fun by drinking too much, that they lose themselves and make us the unfortunate people to bear the shame, wipe up their puke and drag them to bed. In this aspect, the Singaporean government’s grasp of democracy becomes useful. Let’s give them freedom but restrict them some. When you’re going to have an all-out drinking spree, suggest strongly that you do it within the splendor of your cottage. When you see that your liquor possessed friends are getting noticeably hammered, tie a rope on one arm or leg, with the enough length to allow them to go to the restroom and puke and go to their own bed.  If they are argumentative when under the influence and get into fights, add some length to allow them to go out to the balcony of the cottage so they could scream invectives at other people instead of you, and then fall asleep on it when they get tired. A person who snores like a freight train when drunk should be given yards and yards to allow him to fall asleep on the sand, keeping the disturbing sound out of your mind. Just forget to cover the sleeping drunks with some blanket for the morning chill is something to be reckoned with.  You kept them out of harm’s way and you can have time for yourself to drink some more, chat, swim, or cruise.

Writing as Kiddo, Roy Macalma shares his take on the incessant search for the right one. He may be reached at kiddolovesit@yahoo.com.