Unbelieving Friends

Love Cringes
By Auntie Cru

I don’t like my best friend’s BF – he’s manipulative, all-controlling, extremely demanding, et cetera.  And not just of my friend, too; but of my friend’s friends, i.e. US, including ME. Almost always, in the end, what he wants, my friend ends up pretending wanting, too – and by extension, when we’re with them, we are supposed to want, too.  I have told my friend what I think, but even if he has complaints about his BF, too, he only does the complaining when the BF isn’t around – when he is, my friend just continues to be meek and submissive and all-giving.
Am I doing enough to make my friend realize his value?
Or am I getting too invasive already?
Help, please.

MITZI D.C.
Makati City

I saw my best friend’s girlfriend with someone.  Obviously, I felt obliged to tell my friend what I saw, which I did. But her GF denied what I told my best friend.  And now here’s the sitch: my best friend won’t talk to me, seeing me as a bitter old lesbian wanting to destroy her friend’s relationship because she doesn’t want to be miserably old by herself.
What did I do wrong?

BECK R.
Quezon City

I told a friend to stop defending his BF – mainly, this is because every time he mentions what others think of the guy, he has explanations galore on why that belief is wrong, et cetera. I just want for him to find someone he wouldn’t feel he has to defend; someone who will be able to defend himself, if it came to that.
But my friend said I’m too negative – he said he wasn’t defending the guy, just explaining how others are not seeing his BF the way he sees him.
And so now we have this wall between us.
What do I do?

K.T.
Cotabato City

When made to choose between a BF or a friend, what would you choose? The BF – simply because a friend, if they’re real friends, will always be there for you; a BF, on the other hand, is hard to find (much more a good BF), so enjoy what you find as much as you can for they may not last at all.

No, this is not coming from me.

This is some belief that has been going around for ages now.

That when made to choose between good friendship or good fuck, you choose the latter.

And this, my dearies, is the lesson for today.

Do not come between your friend and his/her man/woman.

He/she will choose his/her BF/GF.

He/she will dump you.

Even if you’ve been with him/her 100 years.

Even if the BF/GF has been abusing him/her.

Even if he/she owes you his/her life.

Even if the BF/GF is only using your friend, and everyone knows it.

Bottom line: between you and the BF/GF, YOU LOSE.

This is sad, yes.

But this is how it always goes.

The bigger question, I suppose, is what to do when this happens.

And here, there are only two things you can do.

On the one hand, you can put up with it.

This means shutting the hell up, and just go with the flow.

So when the BF asks (nay, demands) for your friend to do this or that, and your friend asked you to do this or that with him, do not say anything, just obey.  When the BF beats your friend, hold your tongue, just be there.  When you catch the GF cheating, shut the fuck up, it’s none of your business.  When your friend comes running to you for getting hurt by his loving, just be there, arms wide open, and mouth tightly shut.

Most – not just many – actually prefer this.

And if you do, too, be one.

On the other hand, if you are like me, say your piece, then leave. 

Why the first option isn’t for me is simple: I am a friend, not some counsellor.
I have to say what I think – that’s why I am a friend, not a parrot (there are many of those in Raon, if that’s what they want).

So when I am supposed to spend as much money as they do because it makes his BF comfortable – to my discomfort, since I am BROKE – I have to say my piece.  When I am supposed to eat whatever the BF/GF prepared to show I support a friend and his/her choice of BF/GF, I have to find a way somehow to say that the BF/GF won’t be half a good as cook as my friend (if only the BF/GF lets my friend develop his/her culinary skills). When my friend believes the world of his BF because he’s delusional, there has to be someone (ME) to tell my friend he has to stay grounded.

Not many like this, the telling of truth as they are.

But if that has been what you have been doing, good on you.

You may lose a friend in the process – that’s the sad truth.

Because they’d see you as a negative energy, not to be had around because you aren’t supportive of their relationship (and that’s even if you just really want your friend to be happy, really happy).

And on this note, learn to let go, too.

They want you to value their relationships – but, apparently, you aren’t valuable enough to be listened to.

Just know you have been a friend.

You’re always going to be a friend – just there, if/when needed.

The gist: Be happy your friend is happy, even if that happiness is based on some form of misery. But do not be swallowed by the same misery simply because that’s all that is expected of you.  Be true to yourself – say your piece, whatever that may be.  Because when your friend chooses his/her BF/GF over you, as is bound to happen (remember: they always do), at least you can still live with yourself having been true to yourself..

Auntie Cru is a 40ish self-described “opinionated bitch” out to give her opinions on everything to those brave enough to ask for them. “At least I give them the summarized, no-frills, un-beautified truth,” she said, “and that's more than anybody can ask for in this PR-filled sucker of a world!”