Open Your Eyes
(He/She's Cheating You!)

Love Cringes
By Auntie Cru

I’ve been going out with this guy for three months now, and I, really, should be happy, but my friends (who, right from the start, expressed their not liking him for me) have been telling me stories about him – that they see him in some sex club somewhere, fucking his brains out with other guys (take note: guys, not just a guy).  I’ve confronted him about this, but he asked me to ask his friends what their real intentions are, when they tell me stories about him, “all bad stories, at that,” he said.  And then he, of course, denied he did what they said he did, and “it’s all bull!”  Now, we’re not even to discuss this anymore, else “we give credence to nothing,” were his exact words.
Now I’m at a loss. 
Do I trust this man, or should I believe my friends more?

ANDREW B.
Quezon City

She won’t let me read her text messages.  That’s how I started suspecting she’s hiding something from me.  Not that I was allowed to read her messages before.  There’s this unwritten agreement between us that, no, reading the messages of each other’s mobile phone is a no-no.  But lately, she goes out of the room just to check her messages; and then when she’d read messages, I’d catch her laughing, only to stop doing so as soon as she sees me looking at her; and then, too, before going to sleep (when she sleeps over my place), she turns off her phone, as if worried I’d go through it while she’s out of this world.
So now the more I want to read the messages on her phone.
Am I on the right in suspecting the worse of her?

MINNIE C.
Quezon City

He said I’m just being paranoid.
I’ve been bugging about the less time we spend together – the weekend dinners are gone, mainly because “I’m too busy these days, I don’t even dine by myself;” just as the nightly phone calls, since “when not working, all I can think of is sleep, sleep, sleep;” and so are the sleepovers, with that “to come back soon enough, when I have the time.”
I would, normally, take his reasoning of being busy.  I, too, work, so I know how it is when you get busy.  But I do know of him going out partying – “I have to, our boss is there,” he would tell me, when I confront him of his clubbing AFTER being told by HIS FRIENDS, often unintentionally, that they went out on this or that night, when he supposedly was too tired to come over my place.
So, am I being paranoid or what?

JIMMY C.
Baguio City

My, my, my...

Abre los ojos.

Open your eyes.

You are being cheated upon.

Here, really, is no nice way to say this.

Because it’s either that – stating it flat out – or you finding him in E, on his knees, some old man’s cock in between his lips, while you’re there, too, to “accompany your friends;” or finding her taking that skinny bitch from her workplace on a joy ride, while you take the pedicab, and then the tricycle, and then two jeepney rides to go to the wet market to buy her favourite mussels from Cavite.

So, yes, you are getting cheated.

Let me clear something here, though.

Yes, there’s some cheating happening.

No, the cheating does not necessarily involve a person (or a living this, for that matter) – it could be cheating you of the time for you to be with friends (he apparently prefers their company more than yours) or work (he’d rather O.T. than be with you) or whatever.

But, again, yes, a cheating is happening.

So, no, this relationship won’t progress (towards an end, or to a higher level – for the former, a realistic assessment; and for the latter, I’m just trying to be positive here) unless the cheating, no matter with whom/what, is confronted.

Okay, let’s back off a little.

How to know he/she’s cheating?

Firstly, the sudden changes in schedule/s.  Truth be told, we are all creatures of routine, following some pattern of, well, everything – e.g. you write to me, and I bitch; your friends write to me, too, and I bitch even more.  That kind of routine.  So note that if/when there are changes in what was once familiar, and these changes were made somewhat dubiously, then – TING! – something isn’t right.  Good examples would be frequent travels out of town, supposedly for work, when you know his boss hates him, and might as well fire him than send him to represent the company; or overstaying at Fitness First, five hours after the gym closed for the day; or... oh, you get the point.

Secondly, there are the suspicious activities to do with everything related to modern technology – e.g. mobile technology (Internet and its access through mobile gadgets), et cetera.  Yes, yes, I know we all network – hey, it adds to my fame! – but when she starts telling you to watch the movie by yourself, she’s still talking with important friends online, then, dearie, you’re fucked.  And then there are all the secrecies – e.g. “Don’t look at the screen when I’m using it!” or the constant changes of passwords or things like that, meaning, again, you are fucked.

Thirdly, there’s the seeming distance.  We tend to get comfy when in relationships, so we don’t snuggle as much as we used to anymore (well, in most cases, at least) – gone are the “can’t have enough of you, I want to eat you if I can” attitude, replaced with “it’s nice being with you like this, even doing nothing.”  But if he/she can’t even stand having you in his company most times, well...

Related to this is the fourth point: Spending less time together.  True, he/she may truly be busy – he/she needs time to show-off to get that promotion, you know.  But less time is not synonymous with no time at all.  If he/she starts looking for these excuses not to be with you, don’t be dense, dearie...
And lastly, follow your instincts.  Yeah, it isn’t always right (like that time you chose him/her as your boyfriend/girlfriend, now see where that got you), but that thingie inside you raising all the alarm bells is trying to tell you something.  Listen.  It may just save, if not your relationship, then you, yourself.

The solution is in words.

Communicate.

I always believed – and advocate, too – that the moment a couple stops communicating is the moment they need to say bye-bye to what they have.  Why?  Because then you won’t be able to tell him that he’s got something in his nose that the whole world can see without worrying he may hate you for being truthful (and saving him from the shame) about it.  Or not be able to tell her THAT dress is making her look fat without worrying her bitching about your seeming coldness the whole time you should be celebrating your first monthsary.

Talk.

Trust is based on discussions on what the two of you agree to do in your relationship – and sticking to that.  Meaning, it’s either the two of you stick to these agreements, thereby making the relationship take form as you two agree it to take form; or neither of you follow the agreements, no matter how seemingly petty they may be, and end up ruining the relationship because one of you want it to be something else, or to take some other form than was agreed upon.
Now I’m talking in circles.
Just talk.

Auntie Cru is a 40ish self-described “opinionated bitch” out to give her opinions on everything to those brave enough to ask for them. “At least I give them the summarized, no-frills, un-beautified truth,” she said, “and that's more than anybody can ask for in this PR-filled sucker of a world!”